Love Me, Love Me

I was thinking about love today and came to a pretty huge realization. I don’t think that I’ve ever truly been loved. I don’t mean by parents or friends, but I mean by a significant other. I’ve had partners say they love me, but I don’t know if they really, truly did. My first love, in high school, definitely loved me, but only as much as two teenagers are capable of loving each other. Which is to say, not truly and completely. It’s the first time you ever have feelings like this, so you *think* it’s love when it’s really just lust and puppy love.

The next two men I dated, Texas and Boyfriend, both told me they loved me. And again, I think they did. But I don’t think it was ever in that intense, head over heels, forever and ever kind of love. I think they loved me as a person, but I doubt whether they were in love with me. We had great relationships, but again, they were built on friendship first and passion and romance second. And it’s the friendship that I remember most. Not that that is a bad thing, but it’s still not that kind of love that you read about.
And then were CB and Bartender*. Two more people that told me that they loved me. With CB, we had the sex and the passion and the can’t get enough of each other, but not the friendship. But I don’t think he ever loved me; in fact, he even told me that he didn’t. Two years after we broke up he said to me, “I thought I loved you, but I never did.” And I believe him. If he loved me, he wouldn’t have destroyed me the way that he did. He wouldn’t have torn me down and abused me. Bartender loved me, and I truly believe that. However, I don’t think he was capable of loving someone the way that I wanted to be loved. He was emotionally unavailable and a lifetime bachelor. We were very different and any serious conversations that we had usually ended up with me crying at the ignorance and prejudices of the man that I was dating. And again, I think we loved each other as much as we could, but were not in love with each other.
If someone says that they love you, does it matter whether they really do or not? Does the fact that I look back on these relationships and question how in love with me these people really were take away from the fact that I believed it at the time? Does it devalue what we had? I don’t really know. All I know is that I’m still searching for someone to love me the way that I deserve to be loved. I’ve had people love parts of me; it’s time for someone to love all of me.
*The Bruiser is not included on this list because we only “officially” dated for a few months. Plus, I wouldn’t include him on a list of “serious” boyfriends.
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  1. Welcome to Chicago, Jillinois
    Posted May 12, 2009 at 11:24 am | Permalink

    We find things when we stop looking.

    Yeah, I'm motherfucking Confucious, I know.

  2. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted May 12, 2009 at 11:25 am | Permalink

    Yeah, I know this. And I'm not actively looking, really. I've just been thinking and analyzing my past relationships a lot lately, and this was something I realized when listening to some sappy ass love song yesterday. Blah.

  3. alana
    Posted May 12, 2009 at 12:05 pm | Permalink

    I think the idea of that head over heels love is one of the things damaging our young girls. I’ve been in love hundreds of times in hundreds of different degrees. From friends to family to books that feel like an extension of my being. To divide love into the love we feel in a relationship hurts the whole I think.

    I’ve been loved passionately by two men and it still didn’t get to the degree people expect from love. Does that make my love any less? No. It just makes it based in reality and all the more precious for it.

    I also think that love that burns too brightly burns out too quickly. It can’t help it. And eventually the fire that ignites your passion will burn a whole between you.

    Ok, I’m gonna stop. I don’t know why the fuck I started rambling…lol

  4. river
    Posted May 12, 2009 at 10:28 pm | Permalink

    I always think love is two people melting into one. It's not giving up individuality. It's a feeling of comfort and compatibility that transcends everything, including sex. I say this because after a while, sex cools down but becomes more intense on a soulful level. If it's not rough it ain't fun only goes so long, but you fav Lady Ga Ga doesn't tell you that…but I did!

    Feel good about yourself, stop looking and you will find!

    Love ya,


  5. twg
    Posted May 13, 2009 at 3:08 pm | Permalink

    I think just because you claim to not be able to see it in retrospect, it doesn't mean you weren't in love. For God's sake, I certainly can't see me feeling anything for my ex, in retrospect, but I know that, at one time, I definitely did.

    Btw, I am SO glad that shit it over, plus I just found out he got evicted from the place he was subletting. Evil twg laughs at his misfortune.

  6. PrettyPrettyPrincess
    Posted May 13, 2009 at 4:19 pm | Permalink

    Everyone deserves to have someone who deep down loves them and only them. It's real, it happens, and it is good to recognize that there has been companionship and fondness and other kinds of love in the past, but that the real thing is still out there. I don't go in much for external validation but there really is something special about having that feeling, knowing someone loves you that way, and hopefully they are deserving to have you love them that way in return.

    (also, haha, my verification word below is demon. I guess we all have them.)

  7. Bass Man
    Posted May 13, 2009 at 5:34 pm | Permalink

    I realized about a year ago, that despite having been married for 15 years, and several intense relationships that I had never been "in love".

    This Spring I though I was ready to try again but quickly realized that I was not able to nor very interested in immersing myself in another empty relationship.

    I may never find "love" and right now I'm okay with that.

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