I’m in a very weird place right now. I’m horribly lonely. I’m crying a lot. I’m sick of sleeping alone. I’m fairly depressed and sad most of the time. I feel utterly and totally alone. I’m craving human bonding and connection. Yet at the same time, I’m withdrawing from people. I keep my chat function turned off on almost every site. I’ve stopped commenting on Jez. I’m avoiding the chat room. I haven’t felt like talking to anyone. I haven’t felt like writing anything.

It’s a weird dichotomy. If I’m so lonely, why am I pulling even further away from my friends that love and support me? I’m not really sure. I sometimes consider turning my chat functions back on, logging into the chat room, or signing onto a messenger service but the thought of doing so seems so draining and I just don’t have the energy to make the effort. I go out and get completely wrecked to the point that it takes two days to recover. The day I’ve spent wasted and the two days I spend hungover remove me even further from communication with people and friends. I sign back into life after a three day break and it feels like I’ve missed so much.
But I know that my friends will still be there when I’m ready to talk again. When I’m ready to rejoin the social world, my friends will be there waiting with open arms. Hopefully I’ll be back soon. I really miss everyone.
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  1. elitza
    Posted May 9, 2009 at 11:07 pm | Permalink

    you know, it's not just you.

    I've been completely withdrawing from everyone. It sucks. But at the same time, it's giving me a chance to evaluate things… make cogent decisions. And I think you're going through that too.

    It's okay, and we miss you. And we're looking forward to having you back.

    kisses, loves, hugs.

  2. I'm MIXED bitch.
    Posted May 10, 2009 at 12:38 am | Permalink

    We miss you B. We all go through phases of disconnect, especially after difficult emotional periods. When my boyfriend broke up with me last year, I separated myself from everyone that had previously been close to me, and from all activities that I used to take part in. It all just seemed exhausting.

    I don't mean to talk about myself. Just saying that I've been there. When you're ready, if you ever want, I am so here for you. We don't talk all the time, but we're both the shit, so I feel like we have a good foundation for mutual understanding and great convos. I lub you. [:

  3. Meg
    Posted May 10, 2009 at 1:28 am | Permalink

    It's classic depression–I was the same way at my worst.

    We miss you and can't wait for you to come back. You'll do it in your own time.

  4. Red
    Posted May 10, 2009 at 5:36 am | Permalink

    I've wondered where you've been, hun. Give yourself a break, sweets. Ending any relationship, especially one that you know is toxic, is really difficult. Give yourself time to mourn and heal, but be strong. We're all very proud of you for standing up for yourself and hopefully starting on the path to discovering what you really deserve: your dreams.

    You'll come back to us; we know it.

    "Even in the darkness every color can be found"

  5. Nelfy
    Posted May 10, 2009 at 7:28 am | Permalink

    I know EXACTLY how you feel…

  6. ~sublimealice~
    Posted May 10, 2009 at 3:27 pm | Permalink

    hi, i live where you are now. it's a pretty shitty place, but you get used to it.
    please don't get used to it.
    i don't know how to help, because this post has been my life for almost 10 years now. it sucks in here, and you're too cool to be here for too long.

  7. Welcome to Chicago, Jillinois
    Posted May 11, 2009 at 10:14 am | Permalink

    Pain is a sign that something is wrong. Nothing worth anything is going to come easily. And most often the right way is the hardest way.

    I know I'm full of cliches. But I believe it's true. When I wanted someone the most was when I was at my unhealthiest. It was super hard to be alone and just work on me. But I did. And it was good. And now my relationships are healthy. SO much better on this side of the fence than putting up with BS. Anyhoo. Just saying hang in there. Put you first. The rest will come after.


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