Dealing with the aftermath of my sexual assault has been enlightening. And difficult. But I say enlightening because I work with battered women, and many of these women were sexually assaulted, molested, raped, or sexually abused by people that they knew and trusted. And while I wish more than anything that I had not experienced what I did, it has given me a new perspective on what my clients are going through or have gone through. I understand the feelings, because I am experiencing them firsthand.
The toughest part has been dealing with the fact that I knew this person. I trusted this person. I dated this person. If it had been a stranger, or someone that I did not know well, I feel like it would be easier to deal with. But the fact that my trust was violated so fully is really upsetting. I’m also learning to use the word “rape.” Just because I wasn’t vaginally raped does not mean that I wasn’t raped. I was sodomized, I was sexually assaulted, I WAS RAPED. When I spoke to him a few weeks after (long story. I had been out with his roommate and left my car at their house, thinking he wasn’t coming home from his girlfriend’s before work), I made sure to use the word “rape” in my text message to him. “You raped me.” I wanted him to see the word. I wanted him to understand what he did. Whether he remembers it or he doesn’t, the fact of the matter is, it happened.
Something else that has been hard for me is the fact that I do have a rape fantasy. However, if the fantasy were to ever be acted out, there would be safe words and boundaries would be fully discussed beforehand. However, I DO fantasize about being completely taken, whether I want it or not, and used for the man’s pleasure only. I fantasize about the man doing what he wants with me. And while I know that they are just fantasies, and fantasy and reality are two different things, there is a part of me that gets off to situations like the one that happened to me. And I have found myself fantasizing about the sexual assault while masturbating. And that freaks me out. I end up crying. It wasn’t pleasurable in any way. Yet my mind is still trying to twist it into that. Maybe it’s my mind’s way of trying to cope, or to lessen the pain. I don’t know for sure, but I know that I hate it.
I have dreams about it sometimes. I have flashbacks about it sometimes. But I’m getting better. One day at a time.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
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9 Comments
I wish nobody ever had to go through something as horrible as sexual assault or rape. I also wish you the best of luck in healing.
If you're interested, there are a couple online support groups I've found to be helpful: pandys.org and aftersilence.org. Both provide a safe environment to get information, get support from other people who've been through similar things, or just talk about your experience. I haven't been to either of them for a number of months, but last I checked the members were very welcoming and non-judgmental.
I don't know if anyone has said this yet, but none of it was your fault. I get the impression you already know that, but I thought I'd say it anyway, just in case. Here's hoping things keep getting better.
Oh B
How horrible to have to go through something like that and THEN your dreams and fantasies are not even safe. So hard to work through such a complicated emotional morass – sometimes I do wonder if fantasizing about such violation allows one to somehow OWN and CONTROL what has happened to them after the fact. I hope the day comes soon where your mind and your heart can give you some peace about what happened. I'm glad you are able to work through this, via blogging and helping others. My heart goes out to you, love.
-PPP
Many internet hugs going your way. I'm really, really sorry you were violated that way – no one should ever have to experience what you did. I am glad you're vocal about what happened, at least here. Sometimes I think the silent void surrounding rape, sexual assault and abuse is deadening to some people's psyches. Your mind will try to do some wonky things for a while, which I'm sure you'll work through – in the meantime, is there anyone you could talk to? A professional, I mean? Obviously it's up to you and you've shown incredible strength by coping as well as you have, but it's still hard.
My mother has dealt with a few rape victims in her time (mostly when she used to work at Planned Parenthood). One thing she always told me is that a change of scenery is always for the best because it helps put some actual physical distance between you and what happened. I know it's not an option right now, financially, but I wanted to put it out there. Gabs also has a point in that, just maybe, a rape fantasy allows you to own an experience that would otherwise be traumatizing, humiliating and violating, not to mention amoral.
Remember we're always here to listen if you need it!
PPP and Daniela: Yeah, owning it is going to be huge for me. While I never learned to enjoy anal sex, it was something that I wanted to learn to enjoy with someone that I trusted. And part of me wants to do it even more now, so that I can do it on MY terms. I can control the decision to let someone enter there, and not someone else. When I meet someone I trust enough, I'm sure I will. I think that it will be a way of reclaiming it for me.
And something else that has been helpful for me, too, is that since I do work with battered women and sexual assault victims, I kind of knew what to expect with the healing process. I heard their stories and know the feelings they went through. While it's different for everyone, at least I had a little bit of an understanding.
And as for the distance thing, I would like to get out of here eventually anyway. But at least he is banned from the one place that I always had to see him, so the fear of running into him again is gone. It was really nice to know that my entire bar of regulars rallied around me to support me under those circumstances.
What can I say? I wish you all the best as you comes to terms with this, and send many internet hugs.
That said, you've got a terrific group of feminazi boner-killers behind you. We've got your back!
It sucks and I can't imagine what you are going through. I also can't understand him. As a male, it has never crossed my mind to even attempt anything so disrespectful.
That’s the beauty of fantasies; they don’t represent a realistic approach to sex (just because some of them are attainable doesn’t change that fact).
I can relate to what you’re saying (I was raped and fantasize about rape) but there are a few key differences. For one, rape fantasies usually culminate in a way where the person is so overcome with lust and want and need that they become animalistic and just take it. As everyone knows, rape is about none of those things (at least not in large degrees). It’s about power.
I’ve had ten years to figure out how I feel about everything, but I know there’s nothing to be ashamed of. One of uglier sides of rape is the way it can make your body feel good while destroying your insides (big problem with boys who are sexually assaulted).
I decided to write a blog about my experience and I mentioned you and your situation. Please let me know if that makes you uncomfortable and I’ll fix it. Thanks.
Wow, I so get this. Most people have never understood when I've said that I'd much prefered being beaten and gang raped by strangers in the park than by someone I trusted, I loved, I gave myself heart, mind, body and soul to. Every day above ground is a good one I keep trying to convince myself. I wish none of us knew how you feel or what your saying here, but I do. I'm sorry. So very sorry, for all of us.