How To Buy The Perfect Valentine’s Day Gift

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be about showing that special someone in your life that you care about them. You buy them extravagant gifts, take them out for a pricey dinner, and hope to get some candlelight and rose petal induced nookie (because love=spending money. Don’t ever forget that). Valentine’s Day is a day to be romantic. You know the cliches: flowers, jewelry, chocolate, blah blah blah same shit that everyone gets their significant other for VD (I will from here on out refer to Valentine’s Day as VD because I have as much contempt for the holiday as i do for a venerial disease. Also, love=being cliche. Don’t ever forget that).
But to me, romance isn’t cliche. Romance isn’t buying the things that you’re told she will like. Romance is buying the things you know she’ll like. Romance is doing something specifically catered to her likes and dislikes, something custom and totally thought up with her in mind. Because no two women are alike, and no one wants to be thought of as generic. But for those guys who continue to not be able to think for themselves and will let other people tell them what to buy for their women, there are plenty of gift guides to help them out. Just go to any site that specializes in “romantic” gifts, and you’re guaranteed to be given lots of suggestions. But really, all you need to remember is that nothing says “I love you” like pink, red, and hearts. Don’t believe me? Here’s proof.
Suppose you want to make your woman feel good. You want to buy her a vibrator so that she can masturbate to thoughts of what a great guy you are when you’re not around. Well, great! Babeland has some suggestions for you.
First up, the Forever Yours Vibe.

You can tell that it’s romantic and says “I love you” because it’s pink. And has hearts on it.

Moving on is the creatively titled Love You Vibe.
You can tell that they mean it because, well, the vibe tells you. See? Pink. Hearts. AND I love you. Can’t beat that. Totally romantic.
And finally, the Retractable Heart Vibe.
Pink and heart shaped? Check. Appropriate for VD? Check.
But maybe, instead of buying her a toy to play with, you want to buy her something that you can enjoy just as much (if not more) than she does. Nothing says romance like a gift that is more for your pleasure than hers! Well, Frederick’s of Hollywood can help you out with some sexy lingerie.
Here is the Naughty Heart Apron Chemise.
I have no idea why anyone would want to ever wear this, but it’s got a heart, the color red, and sheer material, so it must be appropriate for VD. Excuse me while I go gauge my eyes out.
Another option is this Valentine Vixen Babydoll.
Again, there are hearts and the color pink, so you know it’s Valentine’s lingerie. And nothing says “VD” like heart covered areolas.
If neither of those strike your fancy, you can always buy her this Heart Lace Teddy.
It’s red, sheer, and has a heart on it. Again. VD appropriate. Also, cut down to her belly button AND has a ruffle. Tackiness totally equals sexiness.
But maybe none of these things is exactly what you’re looking for. You want to be classy and make it look like you dropped a little more money on the woman that you love. You want to show her that you really love her, and she can tell because love means spending a buttload of money (as I already informed you at the beginning of this post). You want to buy her jewelry! Well, don’t fret. Our friends at Zales have some suggestions for you!
You could buy her this white gold heart shaped necklace.

It’s perfect for VD because it’s shaped like a heart. Also, it’s really, really tacky. And is a waste of $500. But, you showed her how much you loved her by buying her such an expensive, heart shaped gift.

If you were thinking that she might like a ring, there is always this Lab-Created Heart Shaped Pink Sapphire Frame Ring in 10K White Gold with White Sapphire and Diamond Accents.
Besides having the longest product name in the world, it is pink and heart shaped, which we have learned is really all a gift needs to be to qualify as the GREATEST VD GIFT IN THE WORLD.
And finally, there is this. 
I’m still working on the reasoning behind buying a woman this, but Zales suggested it, so it must be VD appropriate. Do you buy this for the woman because you are her prince? But if you are her prince, why do you need a frog? Is she still looking for her prince? Are you uglier than her and you are normally a frog but she makes you feel like a prince when you are with her? So many questions.
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  1. Anonymous
    Posted January 28, 2009 at 7:02 pm | Permalink

    Another good VD item:

    Sexy undies from Wicked Weasel!
    Check out their knickers:

    Even mentions VD there.

    Mr M

  2. The Promo Homo
    Posted January 28, 2009 at 7:24 pm | Permalink

    Oh man… yup. Yup. Yup.

    I'm so glad that I'm not cliché about valentines day when I have someone to share it with… but then again… I really pride myself on being romantic and cute… so I do shit all year round on whims because I WANT to, not because the calendar says I HAVE to.

    So for me, when in a relationship, VD is less of a big deal. I don't like the message. If you care about someone, you should want to do nice, romantic things for them all the time… not because she or he is expecting it because it's Feb 14th. How tacky.

  3. Raspberry Swirl
    Posted January 28, 2009 at 7:48 pm | Permalink

    My only guess about the frog is that Hypnotoad got to Zale's.

  4. fyrchk
    Posted January 28, 2009 at 8:12 pm | Permalink

    I kinda want the frog. Not because of VD, but because I like frogs and he's cute.

  5. Ambitious Blonde
    Posted January 28, 2009 at 10:26 pm | Permalink

    My ex-fiance bought me that tacky-assed heart necklace in gold. It's not THE reason he's an ex, but yeah. Proved he knew me not at all. :P

  6. Ms. Inconspicuous
    Posted January 29, 2009 at 1:46 am | Permalink

    Yeah…not surprisingly, I've never been into VD (erm, either kind).

    My husband usually gets me a card…which is only okay because it's from the cats. (VD gifts are banned.) Last year it said, "We tried to make something heart-shaped for you in our litterbox, but we failed… So here's this card. Happy Valentine's Day. [The Cats]

    It made me smile, and *that* is what romance is all about.

  7. blueeyedtawni
    Posted January 29, 2009 at 9:07 am | Permalink

    shoot get me a vanilla carmel latte and a book and call it a day LOL

  8. twg
    Posted January 29, 2009 at 9:44 am | Permalink

    Raspberry Swirl, nice hypnotoad reference.

    I have called it "VD" for years, and have always gone out with my friends for drinks even if I had a boyfriend. Which actually works out great this year, because I am a complete and total fucking mess right now. Anyway, I'm hosting my 3rd annual VD party at the bar I first met you at :) It'll be awesome.

  9. Red
    Posted January 30, 2009 at 2:04 am | Permalink

    If another man gets me a heart shaped ANYTHING, I'm gonna flick him in the taint…and not in a good way.

    It took me a minute to pick up the mocking tone, but I'm glad I did. Amazing post. Kudos, even though I know that's not why you write ;)

  10. April
    Posted January 30, 2009 at 2:32 am | Permalink

    For VD last year my boyfriend got me a fishing pole. That may seem totally inappropriate to some women, but if you knew me well you'd know he was right on the mark. One more reason why we are still together this year…

  11. Anonymous
    Posted January 30, 2009 at 3:19 pm | Permalink

    What, no recommendation for the diamond-encrusted "Fuck my Face" necklace?

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