WARNING: This entry is not for the faint of heart. If you do not feel like being completely grossed out, or think that what you are about to read could possibly make you think less of me, please do not read any further.
Okay, now that that’s out of the way, I can say THANK GOD. For the past week or so, I have been noticing a really gross smell eminating from my, um, vagina. My initial thought was, “Wow, I really need a shower.” But the smell did not go away. In fact, its pungency just seemed to increase.
This was followed by an increase in “discharge.” I put the term in quotations becuase it wasn’t really discharge. It was the wrong consistency and color. It was thin, like water or urine, and clear in color.
I really started to stress about it, and to ease my mind, I masturbated for like 6 hours last night. Like seriously, I must have given myself over 30 orgasms (by the way, if you do not yet own the Hitachi Magic Wand, go buy it. Now. Why are you still reading this? GO). And then, after reading this article on Jezebel, I became uber paranoid and decided to go get tested.
I called the Planned Parenthood in my area, only to find out that the PP centers in mine and the neighboring counties had been shut down after a routine review of the clinics failed to be up to standards. Okayyy, so I called my gyno’s office asking to come in for a full STD work up. I was told I could not make an appointment until I was due for my annual (in 2 months) and the lady was a total bitch and I hung up. But I digress, as that is not relevent to the story at hand.
I went to the bathroom to do my thing, and afterwards it felt like I had an air bubble or something stuck in my vagina. So I went to the bathroom, felt around, and pulled out a tampon. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I laughed so hard I was crying, prompting my brother to ask if I was okay in there.
My vaginal contractions due to the excessive masturbating the night before must have pushed it out. And the “discharge” must have been water that the tampon had absorbed being released. I have never been so relieved in my life. But, dude. It smelled AWFUL. Like, ew. And, there was no blood on it, so it must have been from the very end of my period… TWO FUCKING WEEKS AGO.
You know, I’ve heard many stories about women losing tampons (or condoms) inside of themselves, only to have them reappear a week or two later. But I have always been like, no way that would happen to me. I would know if there was something in there. And how do you FORGET that you put a tampon in?
Whatever. All I know is I DO NOT HAVE AN STD THAT MAKES MY VAGINA SMELL BADLY. And that is sweet.