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When you first meet me, or if you never get to know me very well, I come across as one of the most confident people you will ever meet. I am brash, outspoken, inappropriate, and willing to talk to anyone about anything. I am sarcastic, slightly caustic, and insanely cynical. But all of those things are really a defense mechanism; a facade to hide my vulnerability and insecurities.

It’s not that I’m not all of those things that I just described. Because I am. But underneath that, I am also the nicest, most caring, and definitely most sensitive person you could ever hope to meet. I cry very easily. Too easily. All I want is to be loved and taken care of. To be protected and cherished. My iron exterior melts away only for those who care enough to take the time to know me more than just superficially. If someone cares enough to find out what’s under there, maybe I’ll let them see just how soft I am inside. And truthfully, that’s probably one of my most endearing qualities… once you get to it.
I have this fear of letting people see that part of me because I worry that they will no longer like me once they see it. I fear that the reason they like me is for my brashness, my sarcasm, my I-don’t-give-a-shit-what-anyone-thinks attitude. Once that is stripped away, I worry that people will find me boring. They will tire of me quickly.
Because when it comes down to it, I’m not a party-all-the-time, drink-til-I-drop, let-me-constantly-bust-your-chops kind of person. Sure, it’s nice every now and then, but what I really like to do is go to a nice dinner, find a cute little dive bar or a nice martini bar; or to stay home and watch and movie, cuddle, and have sex all night. I like to buy my significant others presents. Cook for them. Clean their place. I am utterly and totally cliche and domestic, which is not how I come off initially at all.
I fear that I give a wrong impression. That the package doesn’t fit the merchandise. I know that none of this is true. If people like me, then they should like all parts of me. But CB didn’t and that made my insecurity even stronger. He wanted to keep some parts of me while I hid other parts of me. But Bartender looked at me the other day and said, “The more I know about you, the more I like you.”
And that was all I needed to hear. Fear: dissipated. Just like that.
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  1. Osbasso
    Posted January 10, 2008 at 7:38 pm | Permalink

    I suspected there was a big part of you that was like that!

  2. Monkey
    Posted January 10, 2008 at 11:55 pm | Permalink

    its good to have someone who makes our fears disappear…


  3. twg
    Posted January 11, 2008 at 5:29 pm | Permalink

    I think everyone is like this to some extent. We are hiding our soft chocolate center with a hard, colorful candy shell.

    Yeah, I just compared people to M&Ms. You want a piece of me? :)

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