Adventures in Being Single: Week 1

I’ve never had a problem with being single. I’ve always loved being available yet just out of reach, wanted but only securable for one night, admired from afar and then fucked all night. I enjoy the chase, the challange, the catch, and the immediate release. I always have.

When I was single, I never really thought about how nice it would be to not be treated like a piece of meat all the time. Being hot can be fun, yet it can be awful at the same time. This weekend, I realized all too clearly that I’m not ready to be thrown back to the wolves.

Take Exhibit A:
Hot Football Player, who I’ve had sexual tension with for the past year is at a party with me Saturday night. I proceed to drink an entire bottle of wine to my face and get absolutely annihilated. Hot Football Player tells me I am sexy and we make out in the bathroom. He bites my lip so hard that it is swollen for 2 days after the fact, but that is not relevant to this story. Hot Football Player comes home with me. He gets a phone call from a girl he is hooking up with, hangs up, and looks at me.

HFP: “So, I have to go meet this girl at the bar. Are we gonna fuck, or what? Because if we are, let’s do this quickly.”
Me (laughing in his face): “Are you kidding me? I may be drunk and I may be a slut, but I do have, like, an ounce of self respect.”
HFP: “Whatever. I’m gonna go then. You know we’re gonna fuck eventually, though. Don’t deny it.”
Me: “WHAT?? First of all, you turned me down tonight by going to meet another girl. I don’t get rejected. Ever. Had your chance, didn’t take it, so therefore you lost your chance. Second of all, HAHAHAHA! What kind of girl do you think I am?”
HFP: “A girl that wants me.”


Let’s looks at Exhibit B:
Booty call from Cunnilingus Master at 2 A.M.


EDIT: Not 2 seconds after hitting the “Publish Post” button, this IM pops up from Cunnilingus Master:
[screen name]: whatcha doooin?
Me: writing a paper
[screen name]: boo paper
[screen name]: yay random sex
Me: paper due tomorrow
[screen name]: boo paper due tomorrow
[screen name]: yay random sex due tonight

What about Exhibit C?:
Booty call from Jack Rabbit at 4 A.M.

This just keeps getting better.

Exhibit D:
Random Message Board Member that I have never talked to, save for one email conversation calls me.

RMBM: “Hey it’s [user name]. I heard about your breakup with your boy, and I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry.”
Me: “Oh, thanksh sho much. I at thish party right now, I’ll call you latersh.”

I was too drunk at the moment to realize how creepy this actually is. The next day, I’m piecing together a very drunk night that involved 5 drinks and an entire water bottle full of vodka when I come to the realization that there is no way that this person should have my number. Who has my number that talks to him that would give it to him and tell him about my break up? God fucking knows.

I hate being single.

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