The Bar In Which The Bartenders Pick Up Their Tips With Their Nipples

No, seriously, I went to a place like this on Friday night. And I can think of no other way to describe it.

The plan was to go to a girl’s club (dyke bar), but we needed somewhere to pre-drink (you know, somewhere cheap where you actually get drunk before going out so that you don’t spend $759 on drinks). One of the girls suggested this bar that I had never heard of, and so off we went.

Walking up to the place, my thoughts consisted of, “Um, is this a biker bar?”, “Mommy, I’m scared,” and “Wait a second. Why are we the only chicks within 3 miles of this place. And none of these guys look gay, so….”

We walked in the front door and my question was immediately answered by the topless bartender rubbing ice on her nipples so that she could pick of the folded (lengthwise) dollar bills lined up on the bar for her.

Seriously, try to picture this for a minute. I have no fucking idea how they were doing it. I get that you rub the ice on your nipples to make them hard and pointy. Fine. But how the hell they were managing to pick the bills up with them (the nipples were totally normal, too. Not excessively long or anything. There was one chick who was actually kind of hot) is beyond me.

In describing the bar to my gay boyfriend the next day, the only thing I could think that adquately described the place was, “Some trashy dive bar where the chicks picked up their tips with their nipples.”

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Except that awesomely, I got hit on by a man wearing boat shoe-Crocs. I swear. I don’t know what else you could possibly call them except that they were both boat shoes and Crocs at the same time. I have no idea why anyone thought these were a good idea to produce seeing as both of these items are hideous on their own. Not only did they produce them, but someone did, indeed, wear them. To a bar. I think they must have been his “dressy shoes.”