I want to write about some of the struggles that Jesus and I have regarding his addiction, and the role that it often plays in our relationship. Although 90% of the time our relationship is scarily wonderful and perfect, there’s 10% of the time when we have to deal with drug and/or alcohol use. It’s not just (or usually) heroin. The heroin is almost a non-issue of late, save for his admission to a short relapse (I’m choosing to call it a “lapse”) after 100+ days without it. Especially now, with us living together (meaning that I get to see every minute of his existence in a much more consuming way then before) and him dealing with a bunch of stress surrounding his business (and his go-to coping skill has always been to numb himself with drugs and/or alcohol).
But I refrain from talking about it too much here. Part of me wants to, because I know that so many people struggle with addiction, or with partners, friends, or family members who have addictions. I want to lessen the stigma and add my voice to the chorus of people willing to talk about this stuff, and offer support via sharing my experiences. The other part of me resists, partially due to that stigma that comes along with addiction. I don’t want people to judge our relationship based solely on that. I don’t want people to judge Jesus solely on that. I don’t want the negative comments that come along with it, because regardless of how much I do choose to share, you’ll never see the whole picture and see how truly healthy, supportive, loving, and amazing our relationship (and Jesus) really is.
And so, I sit with it, letting it out to a few understanding and wonderful friends instead of sharing it here. I wonder if I should talk about it more. But I’m just not sure.