I want to write about some of the struggles that Jesus and I have regarding his addiction, and the role that it often plays in our relationship. Although 90% of the time our relationship is scarily wonderful and perfect, there’s 10% of the time when we have to deal with drug and/or alcohol use. It’s not just (or usually) heroin. The heroin is almost a non-issue of late, save for his admission to a short relapse (I’m choosing to call it a “lapse”) after 100+ days without it. Especially now, with us living together (meaning that I get to see every minute of his existence in a much more consuming way then before) and him dealing with a bunch of stress surrounding his business (and his go-to coping skill has always been to numb himself with drugs and/or alcohol).

But I refrain from talking about it too much here. Part of me wants to, because I know that so many people struggle with addiction, or with partners, friends, or family members who have addictions. I want to lessen the stigma and add my voice to the chorus of people willing to talk about this stuff, and offer support via sharing my experiences. The other part of me resists, partially due to that stigma that comes along with addiction. I don’t want people to judge our relationship based solely on that. I don’t want people to judge Jesus solely on that. I don’t want the negative comments that come along with it, because regardless of how much I do choose to share, you’ll never see the whole picture and see how truly healthy, supportive, loving, and amazing our relationship (and Jesus) really is.

And so, I sit with it, letting it out to a few understanding and wonderful friends instead of sharing it here. I wonder if I should talk about it more. But I’m just not sure.

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  1. PrettyPrettyPrincessNo Gravatar
    Posted April 17, 2011 at 8:22 pm | Permalink

    I wish I had some wise words for you. I think blogging is part of how you cope? or process things? So I wish for your sake you could blog about it more, but I can’t minimize how difficult it would be to put yourself out there and to have strangers scrutinize such a personal situation in such a meaningful relationship.

    Hugs. Love you.

  2. Christiana RoseNo Gravatar
    Posted April 18, 2011 at 5:19 pm | Permalink

    I think you are afraid of how people will judge because you either, care too much about what people think and let it effect you more than it should OR you’re judgmental enough of him, yourself and others that you don’t want someone else doing the same to you. You already judge yourself so harshly and perhaps want to just believe you’re being too hard on yourself and someone else saying the words makes it too real thus being too hurtful.

    I used to blog myself when I was coping with my addiction problems and my other issues and at first, I was terrified to let go of anything because I didn’t want people judging me. I judged myself, my life, the people in it and the choices I made harshly enough; I didn’t want to hear it from anyone else. It took a while but I let go of that and just let everything pour out. Some people were downright cruel and nasty to the point where I was crying. Then I realized I shouldn’t take it to heart so quickly. They were just strangers on the internet and some of them were likely just having fun being cruel because they had the anonymity of the internet to bully me.

    In your case I know people have a tendency to be mean and nasty toward you because they think they can likely for the same reasons the bullies I dealt with thought they could. Which isn’t what I’m doing at all and I hope you do not feel I am being mean because that is not my intent. I’ve read your blog for a long time and even followed you on Twitter when I had an account. If it’s just that you’re worried what people will say, then you’re taking this too seriously in my opinion. You can say you don’t care what other people say and think about you all day long but when you hold back because you’re afraid of having to deal with people saying mean things; it’s bothering you more than you’ll admit or maybe even more than you actually realize. And when comments from people on the internet make you cry? You’re definitely taking it too seriously. I know I was for quite a while. I stopped letting them make me cry because I stopped caring so much. From time to time I still cried over a harsh comment because it hit too close to home, too close to a truth I just wanted to ignore.

    Write what you want. People will always criticize and people will always poke at you to get a reaction. There’s no reason to censor yourself because of it, especially when you could be doing more good by speaking out about these issues. It’s still such a misunderstood thing. Still so taboo. It’s something that people need to get to be okay talking about and reading about so some of that taboo can ebb away until it becomes non-existent.

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