I’ve always said that I didn’t think I ever wanted to get married. I said that I didn’t like what traditional marriage represented. I didn’t like the patriarchal aspects of it. I didn’t really believe that humans were meant to mate for life. I didn’t want to get married until I’d be able to legally marry whichever partner I ended up with, regardless of their gender. And I still believe all of those things.
But I’m starting to think that maybe I would like to get married one day. I wonder if saying that I didn’t want to get married was a defense mechanism of sorts. Maybe I never thought I’d find someone that wanted to marry me, so saying that I never wanted it anyway was a way of protecting myself from possible hurt or rejection. I’m not really sure, but I do know that my mind is changing. Since meeting Jesus, I’ve found myself wanting things that I never thought I’d ever want (kids are still not on that list, though).
I’ve found myself wanting to have a home with him. And a life with him. I’ve found myself saying that I want to spend my life with him. That I want to wake up next to him every day. And if he asked me to marry him tomorrow, I can’t say that I wouldn’t immediately say yes. Of course, none of this means that I’m really any more traditional than I was before.
Our relationship would remain non-monogamous. My father would not “give me away;” I would walk down the aisle either on my own or with my partner. I’m not a piece of property to be exchanged between men, and that’s what that tradition symbolizes. I wouldn’t wear white, because I’m not a virgin whose “purity” is being given away. My bridal party would consist of the people that I want standing behind me, regardless of gender. Who cares if there is an odd number of men and women? They can walk down the aisle in pairs of two or one-by-one.
I’ve always known that there were ways to have non-traditional weddings and marriages, yet I still couldn’t envision myself taking part in one. But the more I think about it, the more I think that I could make these things represent me, and represent Jesus and me, in a way that is all our own and that fits us and what we want. As they say, things change. And I am changing.
Plus, we’re now officially in a Facebook relationship. And everyone knows that that’s almost as serious as being married, amirite?
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
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11 Comments
Britni … If you do decide to on some form of wedding ceremony (and indeed some form of marriage) you’re so right to do it your way — however whacky that is. Break every tradition there is. It’s your day and your relationship. Who is anyone else to judge?
I think the problem is that those things (building a life together, etc) are still equated with marriage in people’s minds for some reason. And I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that, I just think that’s the attitude that people are trying to change. I’ll be happy to get married when marriage reflects something I’d be proud to take a part in. As of now it doesn’t.
Do what makes you happy though. That’s always what it boils down to in my view.
I think that its wonderful you have found someone you want to commit to. And remember a wedding can be an awesome party and you can totally have a sex toy registry.
It’s nice to celebrate the commitment in your relationship in a similar way that you celebrate other acheivements in life – graduation, birthdays, births of children. Obviously there are so many issues with weddings/marriage because of their ties to the patriarchy and that mess of stuff, but I think you can avoid that for the most part as you describe. You sort of described my dream wedding. I also think you would love the wedding cakes here: http://choccywoccydoodah.com – was trying to persuade a friend to buy one but £2000 is a bit much!
xoxox
Ha ha, yes, it’s all official when it’s on Facebook! I have the same feelings when it comes to marriage. I have friends who have had spiritual non-official and unconventional marriages that included people close to them (and lovely scenery!)- and that sounds romantic to me. On the other hand I have friends who are doing the traditional wedding, and I am more than a little put off when I see all the planning, work, and money that goes into it… not to mention the traditional values that includes one’s dad offering his (virgin) precious object to another man. As a child, I vowed never to marry as I sensed men’s position in society and thought marriage was a way of succumbing to men/slavery/patriarchy. But, like you, I’m changing, and now I think it can be a beautiful ritual if done right, and if one is thinking outside the box.
MasterDoc was a bridal attendant at the wedding of one of his former submissives last year. Of course we joked about what his dress would look like, but in reality, it was wonderful for this woman to have her best friend beside her at her wedding. Who cares if he’s 30 yrs older than her and male? The photos of them from that day (he wore a tux, btw) show him beaming with pride.
What better way to change institutions than from the inside? And who better to do that than the feminists and queers?
My wife and I walked down the aisle together. I wore red. Our 2 best friends married us w no mention of god and we had no wedding party.
muahahah its facebook official! There’s no turning back now!
I think I have not considered some things because it was a defense mechanism. I’m so glad for you
Wow, you have changed soooo much since I first started reading your blogs. And then again, you haven’t changed much. You are truly a unique woman. I’m so glad you have found your place at last. Enjoy it anyway you want.
Mostly what I want from my wedding day, if I have one, is the reception at a divey bar.
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