Today should have been awesome. Last night, Jesus and I stayed in. I made us matzoh ball soup, we watched “Dead Like Me” on Netflix, we took a nice long bath with one of my Lush bath bombs, we had sex, we went to bed early, and we woke up before 11 without a hangover. Today, we went to brunch, went shopping at Urban Outfitters where I picked up a dress and a skirt, picked up some cleaning supplies, and cleaned my entire apartment from top to bottom. I even bought purple tulips for myself, to complete the look of my clean, beautiful apartment (I’m still missing a bed frame and a coffee table to really complete it. Once I possess those, I promise I’ll post pictures).

So why is it that I still feel empty and sad? Why is it that I cried the second Jesus left today? Why is it that I’m in a city I love, dating the love of my life, living in an adorable apartment, and hanging out with some of the best friends I’ve ever had and I’m still sad? Because I suffer from recurrent depression, that’s why. I went off my meds when I moved to Boston, stupidly forgetting that I always feel better when I initially relocate, only to have the Depression Demon creep back up on me when I least expect it.

All of those medical issues I’ve been having? Well, my multiple blood tests all came back fine. There is nothing physically wrong with me. And then the other day, I cried because I didn’t know what I wanted to eat for dinner, and it hit me. I’m fucking depressed. The fatigue, the loss of sex drive, the increase in drinking and drug use… it all makes sense. And so, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll probably have to remain on the anti-depressants, and not go off them when I start to feel better.

I refilled my prescription and started the meds again this week. Now I just have to wait for them to start working, because I’m sick of crying over spilled milk.

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  1. KivrinNo Gravatar
    Posted February 20, 2011 at 8:07 pm | Permalink

    So glad to hear that you refilled the Rx. I decided to go off Zoloft after 8 years, just to see if I still needed it. A few weeks later, the old familiar feelings of self-loathing had returned. Got back on meds (Effexor this time). I’ll probably be on some form of SS(N)RI for years. And that’s okay.

  2. CarynSKANo Gravatar
    Posted February 20, 2011 at 10:03 pm | Permalink

    I’ve been on and off antidepressants myself for about a decade, I know how much it sucks when you realize that you have to go back on them again. I’m sorry that you’re going through this, but just know that you’re not alone.
    It sounds like you have an awesome boyfriend and awesome friends to support you.
    I wish you all the best.

  3. JanieNo Gravatar
    Posted February 21, 2011 at 7:51 am | Permalink

    At least you know what it is and that it should be changing soon. I hope that you feel better and get to enjoy all of the good stuff that’s going on for you :)


  4. alanaNo Gravatar
    Posted February 21, 2011 at 1:16 pm | Permalink

    Hope you feel better soon!

  5. ParadoxNo Gravatar
    Posted February 21, 2011 at 8:04 pm | Permalink

    I’m glad to hear you’re doing what you need to feel better. I know it’s hard to be dependent on the meds, but at least on the other hand it’s so nice to feel better. I’m thankful constantly for the difference my Wellbutrin has made.

  6. AnneNo Gravatar
    Posted February 22, 2011 at 3:19 am | Permalink

    Good luck – I hope you get better soon :)

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