I often
love people that are difficult to love. You see, I tend to suffer from “White Knight Syndrome.” I’m not a protective person by nature, but I tend to enter into relationships with people that I feel protective over. I’ve dated people that had long legal histories and ongoing legal problems, including incarceration during our relationship (leading to me raising his 14-year-old daughter while said incarceration took place). I’ve dated chronic cheaters. Abusers. Multiple addicts. None of these people are easy to love, but I always have this overwhelming desire to protect these people. To show them that I love them despite, and because of, their flaws.
The incarcerated ex was on house arrest after he got out of jail. I bought him a bed for his new apartment and dealt with a lot of crap. Every time he apologized for his situation, I shushed him and kissed him. I took him to see his P.O. every week. I drove his daughter around. I did everything I could for him. I wanted him to know that despite his situation, he was lovable and amazing.
I’ve loved a lot of addicts. I’ve dated some people that used substances too much, but I’ve actually dated several heroin addicts. In fact, the love of my life was in recovery when we met, and I’ve seen her through several relapses. When I saw her for the first time in years, I just wanted to kiss her trackmarks and tell her it was okay. I wanted to kiss her cutting scars, and tell her that she is beautiful. I wanted to tuck her into bed and stroke her hair and make all her hurt go away.
I’ve loved another heroin addict. He knew what I do for a living, which is why I think he felt safe being so open with me about it. He knew I wouldn’t judge him.And every time he would say he was going to stop, I encouraged him, but deep down I couldn’t really believe it. Every time he apologized to me about using again, I would tell him he had no reason to apologize. That I understand. That it’s okay. I would kiss him and I would hug him and I would hold him.
I think that this tendency of mine is what drew me to the field I work in. I want to take the broken people and support them, show them someone cares about them and help them to begin to repair themselves. But while I can distance myself from my clients emotionally, and not get upset when they don’t really change, it’s not so easy to do that with people that I care about. It hurts. And yet, I know that I can’t change people. It’s not that I want to change them, per se, but I want to help them, I guess? To show them that they are worth loving? I’m not consciously or intentionally entering into these relationships. I just seem to find my way into them.
One positive thing that my job has done for me regarding entering into relationships with people that I want to “save” is that I go in with my eyes wide open. If I’m dating an addict, I need to make sure that they don’t replace their drug of choice with me. That I don’t become their new drug. I need to set boundaries and limits with them. And I do. I need to not enable their behavior. And I don’t. I need to know when to say when. This, I’m not so good at.
But at the end of the day, so many of my relationships fail because I’m entering into relationships with the best intentions, but with someone that maybe isn’t ready to be with me. Or anyone, for that matter. It’s hard to have a healthy relationship with someone else when you aren’t healthy yourself. And no matter how much I want to protect people, I need to learn that the only people that can protect them are themselves.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
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“But at the end of the day, so many of my relationships fail because I’m entering into relationships with the best intentions, but with someone that maybe isn’t ready to be with me.” Do you think that maybe you do this on purpose as a way to avoid lasting relationships? I’m just wondering since I think this is something people do quite often, if not in different ways.
I wouldn’t not date someone just because they suffer from drug problems, but it seems weird to seek these relationships out (though I don’t know if you do this) . Plus, my parents had major drug issues and I don’t know if I would want to live through that ever again.
No, I don’t actively seek them out. I would never be like, “Let me go find an addict that’s actively using to be my partner! It’ll be awesome!” I just seem to fall into them, or be drawn to people that I feel a desire to protect.
That’s not how I meant it, but okay.
Sorry! That’s how I interpreted “it seems weird to seek these relationships out (though I don’t know if you do this).”
I can totally see how you thought that, but I didn’t mean literally seeking them out like “let’s go find a junkie.” I think we can seek things out without looking for them as long as we’re more prone to put ourselves in certain positions.
Did that make any sense at all? lol
So I didn’t mean to ask if you actively seek out people you can “save,” but whether or not you’re more likely to start relationships with these people than usual. Similar questions, but much different I think.
I’ve found myself on the other side of that dynamic a good number of times. I’m the shy girl with anxiety and PTSD and an abusive past and risk of self-harm/past suicidal thoughts that seems to make people want to protect me. I know that’s not the same as being an addict or abuser, but it does seem to inspire a protectiveness similar to what you described. A little protection can be nice (or even just the assurance that they won’t treat me like that that I seem to find in these people). Sadly, it has often ended up with the protector person trying to change me, or expecting me to grow out of my PTSD because of their protection, and getting frustrated when I continue to be the way I am. I will say that the encouragement of some of these people has helped me to seek out the help I need to get better. But you are spot on when you say that you can’t make them change and that the only people who can really protect them are themselves. It’s really awesome that you recognize the need for good boundaries. I think you really hit the nail on the head here. It really does help to have someone show you that you are lovable and deserve to be loved, but having someone as your savior doesn’t really help (what you said about transferring dependence).
I could say a lot more, but I don’t want to be presumptuous by making what you’re talking about in your life out to be the same thing as what I’ve experienced. I can certainly see a similarity though. This post really spoke to me.
I understand what you are saying. Not wanting to change people but to love them enough to want to change themselves…It’s so hard.
I actually know exactly what you mean. My current boyfriend has ADHD and is borderline. He doesn’t use, but I feel an inherent need to make everything better for him. To protect him. To light up his life when no one else does.
The most recent ex was an alcoholic, the one before that a drug user, and the one before that was institutionalized for violent behavior and suicidal tendencies. You get what I mean.
It’s not that I go looking for damaged people, I just seem to find them, it’s like a magnet. And I know that I can’t fix anyone, they have to *want* to fix themselves, and I know I myself and damaged also. I think (and I’m just saying this for me, it may or may not be true for you) that as a damaged person I can relate to damaged people on level that I can’t relate to so-called normal people on. I also feel like I have to be needed, and I’m kind of addicted to the feeling of being wanted and needed.
Do you think it’s the same for you?
My ex (the love of my life) is borderline. Not easy people, by any means.
I think (and I’m just saying this for me, it may or may not be true for you) that as a damaged person I can relate to damaged people on level that I can’t relate to so-called normal people on.
I don’t necessarily think this is true for me. I’m damaged, but I think everyone is a little bit damaged. I do think that my desire to want to protect and help people relates to my job choice, though, for sure.
I also feel like I have to be needed, and I’m kind of addicted to the feeling of being wanted and needed.
This rings slightly true for me, though.
Maybe YOU are also an addict… addicted to helping/saving people. I’ve dealt with this myself to some degree. I had to address the reasons for that addiction before I could have a healthy relationship.