Pandiculate.
Yes, it’s true. I am The World’s Most Boring Masturbater™. All those images that you may have conjured up in your head of me hotly and sexily masturbating that are filed away in your spank bank? I hate to inform you that they are inaccurate. Some people have exciting masturbation sessions that last for hours and involve multiple toys and porn. Not mine. I have countless toys, and yet I use only one. It used to be the Hitachi that was perpetually plugged in next to my bed. I’d pick it up, get off quickly, and put it back down. Now, my routine hasn’t much changed, except that it’s now my Wahl that is always next to my bed, ready to go.
I can never be bothered to find a dildo; insertion requires lube and the removal of my pants. I would consider getting out my nipple clamps, but if I’m itching for nipple stimulation, I can just as easily pinch them. Most of my vibes are way too weak for me. I could watch porn, but that requires set up and deciding what I want to watch. And so, I put the Wahl inside my pants, position it on my clit, close my eyes and visualize some scenario that I was involved in recently (though most of my fantasizing while jerking off involves auditory memories/commands. Basically, dirty talk), and come as quickly as possible. A few minutes later, I wash, rinse, repeat as many times as I deem necessary.
I’m a wham, bam, thank you ma’am kind of masturbater. Now, with a partner, it’s a totally different ballgame. All those dildos that I can’t be bothered to use on myself? Let’s get ‘em. But when I’m on my own? I’m unsexy and right down to business. And I kinda like it that way.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
Good Vibes 
9 Comments
I’m a boring masturbater too!
I try to vary it up a little bit, but at the end of the day, my Wahl is also plugged into the bedside wall, and while porn and a dildo usually accompany it, it’s pretty much the same boring routine.
But then again, fuck it- it’s masturbation! We’re not trying to impress anybody, and why go to extra lengths when you know what works and works well?
“All those images that you may have conjured up in your head of me hotly and sexily masturbating that are filed away in your spank bank? I hate to inform you that they are inaccurate.”
I think I’m going to cry… Definitely seriously cry… for a long time…
Ditto…but no vibes for me…just plain ole’ finger on clit action
Ditto. Bullet vibe on the clit, laying face down on my stomach, every time.
I don’t even come up with fantasies or think sexy thoughts. I let the orgasms surprise me while I’m thinking of totally random stuff. Although I do take my pants off, but I leave them and my underwear around one ankle so I can easily find and pull them up again.
Not a wahl for me but a hitachi. And always in the same position: on my back, legs spread so my knees are pointed outward, but bottoms of my feet touching or near touching. Once in a blue moon (or if I’m writing a review) I’ll pull out a dildo. Oh and if I need more wetness I lick my hand to transfer saliva south.
This is pretty much exactly what my wanking routine is.
Yup, I’m boring too. When I masturbate the point is just to relieve some “stress” so I get it done as fast as possible. Usually with bullet vibe, hitachi or wahl.
Pics or it didn’t happen!
What happened to the photos anyway?
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[...] already established that I am The World’s Most Boring Masturbater™. However, the other day, something came over me, and for one afternoon, I ceased to be The [...]