Product Review: Wahl 2-Speed Massager Kit

So maybe she’s not the prettiest girl at the party. And maybe it’s not the most advanced toy on the shelf. But none of that matters, because the Wahl is fucking amazing. Seriously. Just buy it. You won’t be sorry, and you’ll definitely be thanking me. I could pretty much end the review here, as far as I’m concerned, but I guess you probably want to know a little bit more about why this thing is so fantastic.

It’s no secret that I’m a Hitachi girl. I pretty much need industrial powered vibrations in order to get off clitorally. The Hitachi has been the only toy that could manage it. Until now. Like the Hitachi, the Wahl is an electric massager that has a power cord (yeah, you can’t go very far from an outlet, but hey! no batteries!). Also like the Hitachi, it has two speeds. But that’s where the similarities end.

The vibrations on the Wahl are intense. They’re low, deep vibrations that give me orgasms that seem to start from somewhere internal. I don’t even really know how to describe it. It’s almost like they start from the base of the shaft of my clit and move outward. I know, this doesn’t make much sense, so I’m just gonna say THE ORGASMS ARE AWESOME AND INTENSE AND I’M AT A LOSS FOR WORDS FOR HOW TO DESCRIBE THEM, SO HOW ‘BOUT YOU JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT, ‘MKAY?

The two speeds are quite distinct from each other, but both are powerful. I suspect that the low setting would be enough for most people. I, of course, like the high setting. And it packs one hell of a wallop. But the absolute best thing about the Wahl? Despite it’s strength, it’s quiet as all hell. Like, almost silent. It’s incredible. You can barely hear it when it’s turned on. My biggest complaint about the Hitachi is that it’s so fucking loud. I love the strength, but the noise level is ridiculous. Well, problem solved!

The Wahl comes with 7 attachments, however, I pretty much stick to one of them. I need pressure to get off, and most of the attachments don’t provide the kind of flat surface for adequate pressure that I like. I’ve never really gotten the big whoop about attachments and why different ones make a difference (I’m still trying to figure out the difference in feeling of each of my Eroscillator attachments and failing miserably, hence the lack of review as of now). However, I can DEFINITELY tell the difference in these attachments, and very much have a preference.

Clockwise from left, I’m going to name the attachments and tell you about them in one sentence or less (Please let it be known that I didn’t name these attachments; they’re named based on the body part that they’re supposedly best for massaging. Because this is a massager, not a vibrator, you pervs).

• That scary thing with all the spikes is the Scalp Stimulator. Do not put it anywhere near your genitalia. Or your scalp, for that matter.
• The Knuckle Joint Attachment is my favorite. I can use the large, flat side of it to apply adequate pressure to my clit, and to as much area around my clit as required for orgasm. As for how it works on knuckles or joints, I can’t tell you. I’m gonna assume not as well as it works on my clit.
• That circular attachment is the Facial Vitalizer. Just for kicks, I tried it on my face. It was weird. Don’t do it. This was almost my favorite, as it looks large and flat, but alas, it is not. It caves in in the center, and this became maddening, as it was thisclose to hitting my clit the way I wanted it to.
• The General Body Attachment would be good for someone looking for something that would cup their clit. As this is not something I enjoy, it wasn’t so hot for me. I call it the “megaphone.”
• That thing that looks like an air vent, or speaker, is the Deep Muscle Stimulator. It was useless.
• The Spot Applicator is one I could see many people liking. It kind of looks like the nipple of a bottle. Or a gumdrop. I know this is the attachment that Epiphora prefers, and I like to give more opinions than just mine, especially since Piph and I tend to disagree on most toys. For me, it was just a little too pinpoint, and I tend to prefer a wider surface of stimulation.
• Last but not least is the Muscle Kneading Attachment. I kinda sorta liked this one alright. I don’t really have anything else to add to that except, “Meh.”

The thing is, I find the assortment of attachments useless, because I found the one I like, and I stick with that. However, since everyone prefers different kinds of stimulation, everyone will prefer a different attachment. Taste the rainbow! Try ‘em all, and find which one works for you! They take a little maneuvering to get into place, but they go on easily enough.

If you want to use the Wahl for it’s “intended” purpose (and I have no idea why you would ever want to do that, but whatever), it works pretty well as a general massager. While it has attachments meant for scalp and face massaging, I’d recommend staying away from using it in those places, because it creates this weird vibrating feeling in your brain, and is generally uncomfortable. I prefer the Wahl on high for orgasming, but that tends to be too much for massaging. The low setting works best for that.

The attachments are soft and rubbery feeling; they’re not hard in the least and shouldn’t be uncomfortable for anyone. Cleaning the attachments is easy; warm soap and water works fine. It can be a little bulky at first, but you quickly get used to holding it. The handle heats up some while in use, but the toy doesn’t get nearly as hot as the Hitachi does.

I didn’t think it was possible to dethrone the Hitachi as my go-to vibe for a “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” orgasm. It is, and the Wahl was the one to do it. This is, hands down, my absolute favorite vibrating toy. You should buy one. No pressure or anything, just… you should. You can thank me later. I accept any and all gifts. Money or sexual favors are my preferred form of payment.