I Don’t Know Why…

…but finding out that my abuser is still with the girl he cheated on me with still bothers me, almost 3 years later. Every few months or so, I check his Facebook to see if they’re still together. They always are. I know I shouldn’t check, yet something compels me to. Part of me hurts because he chose her, even though he was awful to me and he’s not someone I would want to be with, anyway. Part of me is sad for her, because she is a great person that deserves so much better.

I’ve come a long way in the healing process of recovering from the emotional wounds that the relationship left me with. Most days, I think I’m completely healed. Days like today remind me that maybe I’m not.

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  1. B.No Gravatar
    Posted April 12, 2010 at 8:26 pm | Permalink

    Sometimes I check in on my abuser on Facebook, too (from a dupe account, since he’s blocked from my main one). It’s partly to see what city he’s in and partly to see whether he’s with anyone and if so whether it’s anyone I know. He has been with the same woman for two years now. Knowing that makes me feel terrible, because either he’s been hurting her and she can’t get away and it’s my fault he’s not in jail because I didn’t report anything, or he hasn’t hurt her at all and they’re happy in love and what was so wrong with me that made him rape me.

    I am aware that both of those are terrible lines of reasoning, and I shouldn’t hold myself responsible for what someone else did, nor should I look at his Facebook profile and feel terrible about it… and yet.

    So I feel you. Also I think it’s okay to not be on top of things some days, especially when you’ve been having an emotionally taxing time anyway. Please be kind to yourself today!

  2. Essin' EmNo Gravatar
    Posted April 13, 2010 at 6:56 pm | Permalink

    I don’t think anyone ever heals.

    While I panicked the one time my assault contacted me, I do check up on someone who hurt me on a much much deeper level back in the beginning of 2005. I haven’t talked to Julius since then (http://essin-em.com/2008/06/music-and-emotion/), but every once in a while I dream or think of him, and the next day, I google him, check him out on myspace, just to see. And then I feel angry and stupid and hurt all over again.

    But that’s how I roll.

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