I came home drunk tonight. Too drunk. I tried to make myself food, but made too much noise. My mom woke up. I tell my mom everything. But I’d never told her about my rape. I knew I would someday, but I wanted to do it on my own time. But I’d ran into him tonight, and was not as okay about it as I let on.
My mom came into the kitchen as I drunkenly heated up food. I mumbled something about tonight, and something about him. I immediately caught myself, but my mom had heard me. I had to tell her. And so I did. “Mom, I was raped.”
She cried as hard has I’ve ever seen. I didn’t want to tell her because I didn’t want to hurt her. I know that when I’m hurting, she hurts. I don’t want her to hurt. I also didn’t want her to blame herself, because she was the one that brought me there that night.
But something amazing happened. She didn’t blame herself. And she didn’t blame me. She wasn’t angry at me. She didn’t tell me that I drank too much, or that I should have done this, or I should have done that. Instead, she hugged me. And she cried for me. And she told me that I was allowed to cry, too.
She told me that I had changed. She’d noticed it. I can’t joke about stuff anymore. She missed my laugh. My eyes were empty, and my life was empty. She was so happy I told her, because everything made sense now. She’d lost her little girl, but at least now she knew why.
I’ve been on the road to healing, but this was a huge step. I love you, Mom. Thank you for loving me, too.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
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19 Comments
This is wonderful, but heartbreaking.
And this just made me cry…
You've got me tearing up here. This would be a lovely story if it wasn't based on something so horrible, but I'm glad that you have the love and support of your mum
Mum's are awesome. And that is such a sweet picture! *big hugs*
—Amy xxxx
Your Mom is great. I'm glad you were able to tell her. Another healing step.
How wonderful to read this post. Sounds like you and your Mom passed an important portal in your mother-daughter relationship. Though I agree with Epiphora that the story is both wonderful and heartbreaking.
(((hugs)))
Your Mom is awesome. I'm happy that she supports you without blaming either you or herself.
Its funny, I'm not a parent, but I can empathize with your mom. It's hard to know that someone you love got hurt and you can't do anything about it, but when a mom hears her daughter was violated, raped….I've known a mom who dealt with this and I saw how it tore her up.
Yes honey my heart always goes to you for being the one who was violated but it equally goes to your mom.
Just be sure to remind her at random times that you're ok, or mostly ok. *big hugs*
You and Mom are amazing women and I love you both.
girl you are a beautiful and strong woman and your mom.. she just rocks ..hugs to you
My daughter is in her late teens now and, with all that's been going on at the house combined with her own hormonal tribulations, she's had a torrid time.
But the key thing to remember is communication. As a mum, I would insist on hugging her, even when she didnt want to be hugged because it wasnt cool. Sometimes Id have to get her virtually in a headlock and stand on her foot to keep her there, but she was going to get that love, no matter what.
Knowing how my mum didnt do that for me, wasnt really there for me to talk to about the important stuff has made it so vital that I didnt do the same thing with my own daughter.
To have to hear that something so awful had happened to her child must have been dreadful for your Mum. But she knew something was up. It's something that, as a mother, you just do know. You cant put your finger on it but there's something at the back of your mind taht aint right. Your kid is different somehow but wont tell you what's happened and you dont want to pry and be pushed away. It's a really difficult balancing act.
For you to have the courage to tell her is such a major breakthrough in your relationship but also, I think, in the way that you can now start moving forward to deal mentally with what happened to you.
Although Ive not suffered the traumatic experience that you did, I do know from my own counselling that talking about it is the best way to vent the poison that you are repressing inside you. It wasnt your fault but somehow you blame yourself and beat yourself up. Telling your Mum is the first step in really getting it out of your system and allowing her to help you.
Because, remember, and Im crying here because I keep telling this to my own daughter. She's your Mum and she's the only person in the world who will love you forever, no matter what. There is nothing that you can do or say that will ever change that. It's as integral a part of her as the cell that she gave to make you what you are.
Big hug x
This is definitely one of those bittersweet moments. I'm glad you found the courage and I'm glad your mom is so supportive and caring. Hopefully, this helps both of you with the healing process.
*hugs*
My dad was the last person I told once I finally started talking about being raped. I dreaded it. I knew it would hurt him immensely… but I knew he was aware that something was going on with me. Him and I have never been able to hide anything from each other. I wish he would have hugged me, but it took forever for him to be able to touch me again. He was too afraid of triggering something, because he was a man, and he wasn't sure how that would affect me. I'm grateful that he no longer worries about it.
I'm glad, for both your sakes, that you were able to tell her. It may not have been what you planned for, but maybe it was just time.
Wow, great stuff. All I can say is that I hope to be able to step up to the plate with my two teenage daughters if/when the time comes.
Hugs!
That is great. Your mom is truly an amazing person. My parents are great people and dealt with my siblings issues like my younger sisters rape and my older siblings issues with great ease, but I just get the feeling they feel uneasy when it comes to my issues. They know my sister has experimented during college with other females but when I came out to them they were very supportive. These last several years they change the subject quickly when I talk about guys I date or try to speak about something serious like my exes being abusive or being raped. They don't want to hear it. I wish I could tell them but I fear it is never going to happen. They know SOMETHING happened but refuse to give me an ear when it comes to their son.
Like with your mom it is funny how parents really do pick up on these things. But what is most important is if they take steps to communicate these things with you.
Please. Give her a hug for me.
I'm in tears, Britni. I'm so glad you now have your mom's support, though. It can't have been easy going through this without her knowing. She loves you no matter what.
it was the thing to do.
I'm so glad you're finally able to take advantage of that unwavering, unconditional support from your mother… Hugs!
I'm so happy that you were able to share the story of your rape with someone who needed to hear it so much. I'm sure she feels better knowing that she KNEW something was wrong and her intuitions were not faltering.
You're both gorgeous
This is definitely so bittersweet. I'm really glad for you both that you were able to tell her and that now you can support each other. I think the level of comfort we can get from our parents is incredible. There's something special about it, no matter how grown up we get.
I'm happy to hear that you feel like you're healing. I know it's a long road, but I'm sending you best wishes along it.