Asexuality: The Forgotten Orientation

We talk a lot about issues surrounding the LGBTQ community, and these are groups that we’re aware of fall under the umbrella of minorities in terms of sexual orientation (though the “T” is about gender, but I digress for the sake of simplicity here). Typically, people think of three major sexual orientations: heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual. We know there are many others that fall on the spectrum: queer, pansexual, heteroflexible… but what about asexual? It’s something that’s being talked about more and more, as more asexuals come out. I think that it *should* be seen as a legitimate orientation, because it *is* a legitimate orientation. And it’s a lot more common than many people think. The Star and Psychology Today both recently ran pieces about it, which is fantastic for awareness and exposure.

An asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction. Unlike celibacy, which people choose, asexuality is an intrinsic part of who we are. Asexuality does not make our lives any worse or any better, we just face a different set of challenges than most sexual people. There is considerable diversity among the asexual community; each asexual person experiences things like relationships, attraction, and arousal somewhat differently…

I think this is an important point and distinction to make. Asexuality and celibacy are not the same thing. Celibacy is a personal choice, whereas asexuals feel like this is their biological sexual orientation; they don’t see it as a choice. It’s also important to note that asexuals (generally speaking) do not see sex as a dirty or sinful thing. Some celibacy (not all, obviously) is linked to feelings of guilt and shame about sex and sexuality. Asexuality does not stem from that place. It’s not their beliefs about sex that make them asexual; it’s just how they feel.

Relationships
Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and like in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date sexual people as we are to date each other.

Sexual or nonsexual, all relationships are made up of the same basic stuff. Communication, closeness, fun, humor, excitement and trust all happen just as much in sexual relationships as in nonsexual ones. Unlike sexual people, asexual people are given few expectations about the way that our intimate relationships will work. Figuring out how to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in a nonsexual relationships can be challenging, but free of sexual expectations we can form relationships in ways that are grounded in our individual needs and desires.

Attraction
Many asexual people experience attraction, but we feel no need to act out that attraction sexually. Instead we feel a desire to get to know someone, to get close to them in whatever way works best for us. Asexual people who experience attraction will often be attracted to a particular gender, and will identify as lesbian, gay, bi, or straight.

Arousal
For some sexual arousal is a fairly regular occurrence, though it is not associated with a desire to find a sexual partner or partners. Some will occasionally masturbate, but feel no desire for partnered sexuality. Other asexual people experience little or no arousal. Because we don’t care about sex, asexual people generally do not see a lack of sexual arousal as a problem to be corrected, and focus their energy on enjoying other types of arousal and pleasure.