This is Part II in a three-part series on aftercare. Part I can be found here. Part III is here.
Before I begin this post, I want to make it very clear that BDSM is not abuse, and the two are quite different. For clarification on what does and does not constitute abuse in BDSM relationships, please read here, here, and/or here.
As was mentioned in the first post on aftercare, it’s an essential component of any D/s relationship. Not only does it help both parties come down from that endorphin high and sub/Domspace that they retreat to, it really helps the players to feel bonded to each other. This is true in D/s relationships that are strictly of a sexual or play dynamic, as in the people playing are not in a “relationship” in the traditional sense outside of the play, but it’s especially true for those people that are in relationships. Even in couples that live 24/7 in the lifestyle, we’re not in “scary Dom/fragile, meek sub” mode all the time. Many people who strictly have play relationships only interact in the context of the play and dynamic, and so they may almost exclusively experience each other within the parameters of these roles. But people with relationships with their play partner will experience them in more than just that role. Therefore, it’s especially important that aftercare takes place between the people that do know and live with each other outside of these roles; the status quo needs to be reestablished.
Beyond that, however, there’s something really intense created when the person that was just degrading, humiliating, and beating you transforms into a comforting, gentle, concerned person. As Master said in the last line of His post, “How sweet a touch can be, given by the hand that strikes you.” I find it quite interesting that He chose to use this line, because recently I was reading about the effect of something called “traumatic bonding” in abusive relationships, and I realized that aftercare in BDSM relationships created the same effect. The entire concept behind it is very well summed up by that line of Master’s. I discuss traumatic bonding in the second post in my series on domestic violence, and use it to explain part of the reason that people stay in abusive relationships. In that post, I also discuss the cycle of violence, which can also be compared to cycles in BDSM relationships.
So, what is traumatic bonding? From Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft (I should probably get commission on sales of this book, after all the times I’ve mentioned it here)(italics are my words):
Traumatic bonding is an effect of abuse in which the abused person becomes emotionally dependent on the perpetrator. The repeated abuse, insults, and assaults actually combine to cause the victim to need the perpetrator more and more as time (and the abuse) goes on. Survivors of hostage-taking situations or of torture can exhibit similar effects, attempting to protect their tormenters from legal consequences, insisting that the hostage takers actually had their best interest at heart, or even describing them as kind and caring individuals (interesting when you think that techniques used by batterers have been compared to those used to torture hostages and prisoners of war)– [this is what's known as Stockholm syndrome].
In essence, the abuse itself serves as something that bonds the victim to the abuser. If people ever wondered why captives side with their captors, like in the example of Patty Hearst, it’s traumatic bonding that causes this to happen.
The intermittent, usually unpredictable, kindness that abusers show during the honeymoon phase of abusive relationships are critical to forming traumatic attachments. When a person has suffered harsh, painful treatment over an extended period of time, he or she naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude towards anyone who brings relief. But in situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormenter are the very same person.
This is where Master’s line regarding the sweetness of a touch from a person that’s hurt you comes in. And it’s this part right here that really reminded me of the bonding that occurs in BDSM relationships.
The abuser’s cycles of moving in and out of periods of cruelty can cause the victim to feel very close to them during those times when they are finally kind and loving. The victim can end up feeling like the nightmare of the abuse was an experience that the two of them shared and are escaping from together. Traumatic bonding is actually one of the things that keeps victims in abusive relationships, and what causes them to return once they’ve left.
This is not as applicable to BDSM as the piece above it, but I wanted to include it to give a full picture of traumatic bonding in abusive relationships, since I was discussing the phenomenon. However, the piece regarding abuse being something that the two people have shared can apply. Many couples in the lifestyle live in in a very closeted way. Most of their friends and family don’t know about these dynamics. Even among people that do know about it, the scenes are an intimate and private thing that only the couple shares, and only the couple fully understands. The intimacy and trust that develops through the scenes together, combined with the aftercare and tender moments in the relationship, do combine to create something that only the two of them understand.
It’s the second excerpt that I provided that really nails home how the two relate for me. Again, “When a person has suffered harsh, painful treatment over an extended period of time, he or she naturally feels a flood of love and gratitude towards anyone who brings relief. But in situations of abuse, the rescuer and the tormenter are the very same person.” Change the word “abuse” to “BDSM,” and I think that is an entirely apt and real statement.
Therefore, in essence, aftercare does more than just help the players recover from a scene. It serves an important function that helps to bond Dom and sub to each other, and to create that attachment that is so strong and imperative within the context of a D/s relationship.
To compare the dynamics in a BDSM relationship to the cycle in an abusive one that allows this attachment to form, you can look at the three phases. The honeymoon phase, where everything is loving and tender and wonderful; the tension building phase, where things start to get tense, verbal abuse and escalation begins, and you sense an explosion coming; and the acute explosion phase, where the physical abuse happens. That’s how they look in an abusive relationship. In a BDSM relationship, they are similar, yet different.
There’s a honeymoon phase, which usually occurs right after an intense scene and may last for an extended period of time. There’s a sense of peace and calm, as both parties recover from the intensity of whatever was shared between them. This may last longer than just immediately after a scene; the couple may be more affectionate, tender, and loving than their normal D/s dynamics permit. From there, the dynamic will reestablish itself, with an increase in the structure regarding tasks, tone, and protocol. This is similar to the tension building stage in the abusive relationship, except instead of scary, aggressive tension increasing, it’s the rules and protocol of the D/s dynamic that increase.
Eventually, the build up will result in a scene. Scenes, in most D/s relationships don’t happen every day, or even every week. Scenes are intensive, time consuming, and exhausting. Often life gets in the way, or the need for the emotional release and bonding attachment that the scene provides are not needed as frequently. The scene could be compared to the acute explosion phase, wherein the build up created while the dynamic and stressors increase results in the release of those stressors via a scene. The aftercare following a scene begins the honeymoon phase, and the cycle repeats.
This post is in no way meant to compare non-consesual abuse to consensual BDSM. However, many of the same effects that form a bond and attachment to an abusive person are also at play in forming attachments between couples in the BDSM lifestyle. Looking at it through this lens, however, makes it easy to see how aftercare is very essential to bonding D/s couples to each other, and reinforcing that attachment. The difference, of course, is that in an abusive relationship, this attachment is destructive and unhealthy, while in a D/s relationship, the bond is comforting, loving, and imperative to the dynamic itself.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
Good Vibes 
5 Comments
Really well written and explained thoughts on a difficult to understand/challenging phenomena…I love both yours and Profilgacy's views on this subject….keep challenging the views and misconceptions regarding BDSM and abuse and making clear where the line stands
RG
Again, this thoughtful post has furthered my education in this area. It is strange, indeed, that the same patterns associated with an abusive relationship can be traced in a loving BDSM relationship. You suggest (no, you state it unequivocally) that BDSM and physical abuse are different things and I understand that intellectually, but still have some trouble wrapping my emotion around the distinctions. Maybe because I cannot really picture myself deriving much pleasure from inflicting pain on my partners. But then, I've never tried, so who knows?
I know it's hard for some people to wrap their minds around how BDSM and abuse are different, when SO MANY of the elements are the same. The power and control, which is the cornerstone of abuse, especially. It's important to remember that abuse is not consensual, while BDSM is. Also, that it's not just about you deriving pleasure from inflicting pain on your partner– your partner is also deriving pleasure from the pain inflicting. It's very mutual.
I wrote two posts that are worth checking out if you're still unclear.
Consent
Assertiveness and Submission
Fantastic post, Brit. There really is a fine yet definite line between abuse and BDSM: consent. But as long as people don't (or refuse to) understand what consent means, then they'll always come out equating BDSM with non-consensual abuse. To those people I say, c'mere and I'll show you the difference between non-consensual abuse and BDSM. And after I'm done with them, there should be no doubt in their heads just what that difference is. hehehehe
Parts of this seriously resonated with me. I will probably write about it.
Thanks for posting this.
peace…