There is such a divide between the environment I work in and the life that I live. In many ways, my job makes total sense and is perfect for the kind of person that I am. In other ways, they seem like incompatible and incongruous worlds. I spend my days teaching women about the danger of letting someone else have power and control over you. I tell them that they deserve better. They don’t deserve the bruises and the beatings. They are allowed to make their own decisions about their life. They can take their power back. They can gain control over their own lives.

But I don’t practice what I preach. While these women’s power and control has been unwillingly stripped from them, I’ve willingly given mine to someone else. But the consensual factor both makes all the difference in the world and no difference at all. Becuase to people that don’t understand the lifestyle, I am a hypocrite. I got dressed this morning to go into work and talk to women about all the things they deserve to have and all of the things that they should never let someone do to them again. And many of the things were things that I had done to me this past weekend.

No one should control you. Yet I was kept chained to a bed. I asked permission to eat, to drink, and to use the bathroom. I did not order my own food or decide what I was going to eat. I did not decide what I was going to wear.

No one should ever lay a hand on you. Ever. I was beat with a belt, with a crop, with a flogger, with hands, and probably with other things that I cannot recall. I was tied up in many different positions. My hair was pulled. My face was slapped. My neck was grabbed. The clothes I wore to work covered the marks that were left on my body.

If someone truly loves you, they will not humiliate or degrade you. I was called a pathetic whore more times than I could count. I was pissed on, clothed and not clothed. My face was fucked until I was a complete and utter mess. I was forced to suck dick in public places. I had to eat my food with my hands.

Sometimes I feel guilty, like a hypocrite. But I also know that I’ve never felt so fulfilled in my entire life as I have since I gave myself to my Master. And at the end of the day, that’s really all that matters.

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  1. Kara and Jessica
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 12:19 am | Permalink

    Hi Britni, I think you said it perfectly yourself. The difference is they don't ask for what happens to them and in a sense you do. You give yourself freely to your Master and let him have is way with you. I really don't think your a hypocrite because this is something you desire. To someone on the outside of lifestyle they might think there's something wrong with you. The key things is how it effects you. If you enjoy it and desire what goes on between you two then that's all that matter. On a personal note I have to say your descriptions on what happened seemed very intense. I'm actually getting into more control through bondage with Jess so I found the whole "No one should control you" part very HOT. I don't think I'm ready for all the other things you experienced yet, though you never know. Kara XOXO

  2. Sa
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 1:13 am | Permalink

    To be honest I think we should never be "comfortable", complacent, with life choices. We should always analyze what we are experiencing critically and ajust our life to the way we feel. If it feels right for you, go for it. If one day it stops feeling right for you, adjust. Don't stop analyzing the dichotomy, because the tension between your job and your private life is also part of you, and can alert you to new needs and desires.
    I think there is a difference between a master ordering his slave what to do in their free time and a master forbidding his slave to go to work for instance. It would be unfulfilling then.

  3. Another Suburban Mom
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 5:58 am | Permalink

    I think the major difference is that if you utter the 'safety word' game over. Master stops what he is doing.

    With women in abusive relationships there is no safety word.

  4. Amorous Rocker
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 6:21 am | Permalink

    I can see how you would find yourself feeling hypocritical. You're asking for what you've had done to you. The women you're helping didn't ask for what they've gone through. You're happy with the man you're with and the aspects of the way things are. Those women, are not. I don't think you're a hypocrite at all. Though the last two lines of this post sum it all up quite well.

  5. Aurore
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 7:10 am | Permalink

    I think all submissives feel this dichotomy. Particularly those of us who are masochists. But as you said consent makes all the difference in the world. That consent leads to feelings of fulfilment and love; no abusive relationship has ever led a woman to feeling fulfilled or loved.

  6. Just me...
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 7:43 am | Permalink

    Once it is realized that there is dichotomy in everyone and everything, acceptance of that fact becomes less difficult. When in a safe environment, you can explore these facets of your personality. It's that safe environment which your clients don't have.

  7. Topaz
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 8:45 am | Permalink

    Fulfillment, willingness and consent should be staples in all relationships (I know, I'm one to talk…), and you seem to be in the best position to help these woman regain that control since yours so strong enough to handle the relationship you have in your personal life. And Veronica's point just clinches that idea. It seems to me that you're ideal for this profession (though yes, the mainstream would have a hard time understanding that).

  8. Bob
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 9:40 am | Permalink

    They say there's a fine line between love and hate.

    Regardless of anyone's feelings on the subject of a master/slave relationship, it takes a different kind of man to beat and abuse a woman even though she submits to it. It's about violence.

    One day the line between love and hate may be crossed and it will ugly.

  9. Jess
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 10:21 am | Permalink

    I don't understand the lifestyle, so I'd never condemn someone else as a hypocrite. One thing I have wondered though, what happens if your employer finds your blog…would your job be on the line? You don't have your last name, but it seems easy enough to figure out who someone is based on their location, their picture, and their occupation, don't you think?

  10. Britni TheVadgeWig
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 1:15 pm | Permalink

    Bob, not everyone would be able to have the kind of relationship that I do. Not everyone would be able to do the things that my Master does to me. However, I would disagree that it's about violence and hate. And I am NOT being abused. Abuse is nonconsensual. What I'm doing is not.

    He doesn't want to hurt me. In fact if He's really and truly hurting me, He's doing something wrong. There's no "violence" behind it. And I don't feel like there is any part of Him that hates me. In fact, I feel like He does these things because He loves me. He knows that I'm enjoying them and He wants me to be happy. If I stop wanting or enjoying it, He stops doing it. End of story.

    Jess, could I lose my job? That's up to my employer. But *technically* I'm not doing anything wrong. I don't discuss specific clients, so I'm not breaking confidentiality, which is really the only thing that I would have to be worried about. I have the right to write about myself, and discuss who I am.

  11. champagneandbenzedrine
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 1:16 pm | Permalink

    Hey Bob, make baseless, judgmental assumptions much?

  12. Eve
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 2:16 pm | Permalink

    As you said, consent makes all the difference. I don't see anything hypocritical about your relationship with your master. You could look at it as a question of harm. When a person is controlled or beaten by a partner without their consent, it causes them harm. But, when a person wants their partner to control them or beat them (or whatever turns you on) because it's something they enjoy, it doesn't cause harm. And of course harm is not the same thing as pain. Desired pain is not harmful (unless it goes so far as to cause serious injury, but that's generally not the aim), but unwelcome/non-consensual pain is harmful.

    Because your master's treatment is something you want that brings you happiness, fulfillment, and pleasure, and because his intent is your happiness, I think that's about as far from abusive as you can get.

    Yep, it's all about consent!

  13. Profligacy
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 3:05 pm | Permalink

    To Bob,

    The fine line you speak of may be passion? Perhaps you are saying D/s play and the physical abuse, that can be a part of it, could easily slip into real non consentual absuse?  I could see someone doing that. However, if I did this with Brit I am sure it would be the last I would see of her, either by her choice and/or the authorities.

    Your statement "regardless of anyones feelings" makes me hesitate responding to an obviously closed discussion on your part, so I will speak to the others instead.

    To Everyone else,

    Yes, it takes a different kind of man. 

    That statement probably moved a few subs to remember a fond partner or visualize the fufillment they are seeking in this lifestyle, in a positive way. Yes, you need and want that ONE that makes it work with you so effortlessly.  You know all too well that he is not just anybody. And despite your desires for that "best friend turned lover" to be that guy who can dance on the edge of make-believe with you, you realize chemistry is found, not created.

    IMHO, a good Dom requires much practice, great self control and some level of humility. Nobody wants to get REALLY hurt, just the fear it could happen. 

    So trust your instincts.  Avoid delusional people. However, they say Bundy was quite charming and I am sure there are Baptist preachers that beat their wife if the green beans touch the mashed potatoes.  Just use common sense and talk alot first.  

    Mashed potatoes are fine I suppose, but I prefer my violence with sex, right before Brit and I both come, come hard. Collapsing in a sweaty heap like napping puppies.


  14. April
    Posted September 25, 2009 at 3:33 pm | Permalink

    You've talked about this before and I think it's very clear how it is that you're able to do what you do. If people don't get it, then they're probably never going to get it.

    Well written as usual. I think that Bob just doesn't understand the lifestyle.

  15. Ms Scarlett
    Posted September 26, 2009 at 4:13 pm | Permalink

    I think you've hit it bang on, Britni. Consent may be a fine line, but it's the critical difference.
    Personally I think it would require a great deal of trust to be fully in the D/s lifestyle, and someone who abuses you (non-consensually) would never gain that sort of trust.
    Great post.

  16. April
    Posted September 26, 2009 at 8:51 pm | Permalink

    I completely don't understand the lifestyle at all. It really kind of turns me off.
    That being said, who gives a shit if any of us agree or understand or like it?
    Clearly you do, and he does, and that's all that matters.
    I am just happy to see you happy with someone intelligent who loves you back, even if it's not a kind of love that I "get".
    Different strokes for different folks. You do what makes you happy and don't feel like a hypocrite.

  17. Eliot
    Posted September 27, 2009 at 5:05 pm | Permalink

    What the April directly above me said.

  18. April
    Posted September 28, 2009 at 11:28 am | Permalink

    I would like to add that I have never understood why anyone would want to be pissed on or want to piss on someone. I cannot see the eroticism in that one bit. I mean, I know people are into many different things, but this is one that I just don't understand. It's bodily waste! Nothing against you or your Master, I was just throwing in my opinion on the issue. I've tried to see why it would be hot, but I can't.

  19. Advizor
    Posted October 5, 2009 at 11:14 am | Permalink


    I'm glad you put up this post, you answered some of the questions that I have had floating in the back of my head ever since I started reading your blog and found out your profession.

    In some ways you may be uniquely qualified to talk with your clients about unhealthy relationships because you are in a state of constant analysis with yours. As your master stated above in the comments, as soon as he crosses the line, you are gone, and as long as you have that choice, you can enjoy the relationship.

    I think you have to keep a close ear to your own internal dialogue, and as soon as you start telling yourself things you tell your clients, it may be time to go.

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