Anyone that knows me in my “real life” will tell you that I have a dominant personality. I’m outspoken, abrasive, quick to put people in their place, and have a tendency to be inappropriate. I speak with authority and have no problem asserting myself. No one would ever describe me as passive, softspoken, timid, or submissive. People that know me in my day to day life that do find out that I’m a submissive are usually quite surprised, as, to them, it is such a departure from who I am. However, it’s not a *departure* from who I am. It’s simply another *part* of who I am. It’s just as much a part of me as my dominant public persona.
Submission, for me, brings me a sense of inner peace and calm that I’ve not been able to find through anything else. I am so much more at peace when I have a Dominant in my life, regardless of what capacity and to what extent they dominate me. There is something freeing about relinquishing the control and the assertiveness that I exhibit in my everyday life to someone else. There is something so calming about having someone else decide for me what my next action will be.
And while I *do* have a very assertive and aggressive personality, there are facets of my personality that hint at the submissive that lies under the surface. For instance, I do not like to make decisions. Do not ask me where I want to eat or what I want to do on Friday night. I will answer that I do not care. I will say that I want to do whatever *you* want to do. And I mean that. I’ll let you know if it’s something I’m not interested in, trust me. But what I really want is for you to tell me what we’re going to do or where we’re going to eat. I don’t want the job of deciding for us. I truly want to do whatever it is that you want to do.
Anyone that dates me, even if we do not have a D/s dynamic, is privy to many of the submissive aspects of my personality. I am a pleaser and always have been. However, I only want to please you if I care about you or care about what you think. In general, I don’t give a fuck what people think of me and will do what I want to do because it makes *me* happy. I’m not concerned about other people finding me nice, liking me, liking what I wear, or approving of what I do. However, if it’s something or someone that matters to me, I care a great deal. I give too much of myself to the people I date and am constantly trying to do things for them. In school, I always had straight A’s (I graduated with a 4.8 GPA from high school, a 3.9 in undergrad, and maintain a 4.0 in grad school). I almost always got 95% or higher on papers and tests, and was (and still am) the person in the classroom raising my hand to give the answer or add to the discussion. At work, I meet every deadline, I go above and beyond what’s required for me and what I’m required to do for my clients, and I take on extra projects if they interest me.
Satisfying others satisfies me. And this is the essence of submission. I get off on getting someone else off. I would rather give than receive. Giving blow jobs and having my face fucked is probably my favorite sexual act. And what is it about going down on a man that gets me off so hard? It’s the feeling of being there exclusively for someone else’s pleasure. It’s the thought that someone can use my mouth to get themselves off with no regard for whether I’m enjoying it. And while I know that this isn’t truly the case, as the Dominant understands that the submissive is getting off on being used and dominated, it’s the mindset and the guise of being used as someone else’s fuckdoll that gets me off so utterly and completely.
Submission allows me to express the parts of myself that I can’t express in my every day life. I can’t be passive and obedient because people will take advantage of me and walk all over me. I want to be see as strong and be respected by the people I associate with, and so I can’t be the non-assertive, eager to please person that a part of me yearns to be. For me, submission fulfills a need in my life in a way that nothing else can. It frees me, if only for a minute or an hour, from having to be in control of my decisions and my actions.
I’m curious to know if this resonates for any other submissives, or people with submissive tendencies out there that are reading this.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
Good Vibes 
12 Comments
Before I even got to the end I was going to comment saying how similar this is to me. I am a total people pleaser, I go above and beyond at work, I always get As, and in real life I try not to take crap from people – especially men. But in bed I fucking love it when people push me around and use me and call me a slut – something I would never put up with in real life.
There's a fantastic t-shirt I found that says 'Just because I like to be spanked and called a bitch doesn't mean I'm a bad feminist' and I want it so much, because it's so true! There's something about sex that allows you to step outside your real world self, and it's nice to have that relationship where you don't have to assert yourself and work hard at being that independent, educated woman, where you can relinquish the control you exercise in every other area.
I get how you feel. I'm still trying to figure out whether I feel similar or not. I think it's great that you know exactly how and why submission in the bedroom works for you!
This is a completely small and unimportant point, but how do you get a better than 4.0 GPA? I don't know the American system well at all and the best grade we can get is a 1, which equals an A, which I thought equals a 4.0. Am I mistaken? Like I said, completely unimportant, but just caught my attention.
Nelfy, at my high school, an A in a regular class was weighted 4.0, an A in an honors class was weighted 5.0, and an A in an AP (advanced placement) class was weighted 6.0.
Our valedictorian graduated with a 5.2 GPA.
Well…I am dominant away from home. At home, I go both ways. Depends on my mood. Most days, I love to give but there are some days that I just want to be "given".
That explains it, thanks! We don't have these kinds of classes, our GPA isn't really important at all either.
Giving blow jobs and having my face fucked is probably my favorite sexual act.
Ooh, gosh. Me, too. I think being face fucked is about the most submissive act there is.
You should go pro. lol
'Just because I like to be spanked and called a bitch doesn't mean I'm a bad feminist'
Ahahaha! I so need that shirt.
This kind of highlights what a joke our education system is in this country because my school’s A.P. and Honor scoring both went up to 5 points making it impossible in our school district to have higher then a 5.0. Obviously this discrepancy is total crap and makes the entire importance of GPA’s a bit redundant.
Though most people now realize that grades are not a signifier of intelligence (if anything it says more about a person’s home life in most situations) I still don’t see how these differences can be tolerated.
Not that I don't think it's great you did good in school of course.
I did horrible. One semester I had a 1.0. I shit you not. lol
I have been a lurker for a while. I love your blog. I have been trying to figure out my life. I wish my wife could take apointer from you.
Your public face resonates very much with me (strong, in control, self-assured); respect and not giving anyone the time of day to treat me like a doormat are the direct results. I know what I want and I'm not afraid to give my opinion.
My sexual persona partially resonates with you. I enjoy a dominant man, but I am not submissive. I get off on the challenge (as you could tell from that last post! lol). I want him to know I'm a handful, and it will much aggression to make me docile. Not that I want violence, I want passion. Less about getting off on being used for gratification, and more about them being driven mad with lust and managing to break my aggression.
Wow. I don't think I've ever thought about it as flat out as I just did. Thanks for asking the question. I hope you're half as satisfied with my answer as I am!
Yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes… yes. And yes.
One of my more recent posts (entitled Validation) echoes what you have written here, so yes, I relate completely.