“I’m becoming transfixed
with nature and my part in it,
which I believe just signifies
I’m finally waking up…
I am trying to evolve,
I’m just trying to evolve.”
-Ani DiFranco, Evolve
I want to write. I have so much going on in my head lately, and I’ve been doing a ton of introspection. I’ve been examining and re-examining myself, the people in my life, my relationships. I’ve been analyzing my views on things, why I feel certain ways about certain things and if they are justified feelings or ones that should be reconsidered. I’ve been making a lot of connections to things in my past and recognizing patterns in my life and relationships. But right now, I’m emotionally drained. So emotionally drained, in fact, that even though I have an endless number of things swimming around my head, I can’t spare the energy to put them down into words.
I’m at a weird place in my life right now. I’m trying to better myself as a person. I’m trying to grow. I’m trying to evolve. And those aren’t easy things to do. They’re hard. They’re painful. They take a lot of work. I’m learning things about myself that I don’t like. That may be the hardest part; looking at myself objectively and seeing the things about myself that are ugly, dysfunctional, and unattractive. Seeing the things about myself that are weak, pathetic, and self-destructive. Those aren’t qualities that we want to admit that we have. They’re not parts of ourselves that we want to examine, because they’re the most painful parts. They’re the parts that we don’t want anyone else to know we have. They’re the parts we’re ashamed of. But those are indeed the parts that hurt us the most and give other people the ability to hurt us the most.
You guys may have noticed that this blog has taken a much deeper turn with it’s content as of late. I don’t think that trend shows any sign of letting up. I thank you in advance for taking this journey of self-discovery with me. Maybe you will learn something about yourselves from reading about me. Or maybe you’ll help me realize something about myself that I may have missed, through your comments. Whatever the outcome and wherever I end up, I want to thank you for your support at a time when this blog can sometimes feel like the only means of support that I have.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
Good Vibes 
14 Comments
Yes, those ugly parts of ourselves are so difficult to be honest about, and to truly examine and hopefully change for the better.
You're an intelligent and self-aware woman. You'll get there eventually. And you know you have my full support.
I can lend an ear (or rather a pair of eyes) should ever you need or desire it. You know my e-mail addy. *hug*
Don't forget to take a generous helping of love with you on your trip – I've done a lot of soul-searching and had a lot of growing pains over the past two years of getting sober, and I had to remember every step that there are people who love me, in every flawed and imperfect incarnation. You have those people too
We all know the first step and at least you're taking it. Hell, the fact that you are aware enough to take it is commendable in itself. The journey will be long and arduous but never give up. The best of friends and supporters will be left standing with you in the end.
The fact that you feel these things tells me that I'm not alone in my own fears. At times it seems like the darkness prevails, but I know you'll see this through til the morning.
I ain't goin' anywhere, love. That's what friends are for.
xoxoxoxoxoxooxoxooxoxooxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxooxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoox
I’ve got the perfect pair of shoes and some bitchen music. Let’s hit the road…
I like reading about "deep" stuff, about struggles, about growth way more than the artificial 'I had a nice day today and I fucked so and so'. That starts to get… shallow… after a while.
And seeing the ugly things sucks as hell, tell me about it… The thing with working on issues is that you can get totally absorbed by them, only seeing the bad stuff, and forgetting the good stuff. Sometimes it's so difficult to see and remember that everyone is a multifaceted person, with good and bad sides.
All the luck wished on your quest.
/Nuclear Rainbow
Love the DiFranco quote …
Self examination is great but it has to be balanced to be healthy. Some folks have a hard time taking their eyes off the things about themselves that are "ugly, dysfunctional, unattractive … weak, pathetic and self-destructive."
I find that a little self-criticism goes a long way, and any more than that becomes destructive. We need to consider our strengths/assets/good traits probably 3-4 times as often as our deficiencies.
I love your thoughtful, introspective topics.
I wish you luck.
We all make mistakes. As long as you learn from them and try not to keep making the same mistakes repeatedly, you'll surely learn a lot about yourself and what you want out of life.
As Eliot said, you are intelligent and self-aware. I'm confident you'll get through this with only some minor bumps and scrapes.
You're going to be okay in the long run, and we're all cheering for you. =) Also, come move back up north so we can hang out. That would solve that damn lack of local support thing (which is a damn shame).
As everyone else has stated, really looking into the mirror and discovering there are some absolutely hideous parts to your (a general you) personality is hard. Since you want to work on those parts, I think you're off on a good start.
I know what you mean. I've used blogging as a form of introspective therapy. Helps to come back later and see what I wrote and how that sounded to me. See you on the other end.
Oooh, I just want to say I think it's wonderful what you're doing. Growing is such a beautiful thing, despite how bloody painful and difficult it can be. I know we still don't know each other very well, but I'll be here should you need my support. I wish you the best.
*hugs*
I can relate to this post. I'll be honest with you mate, some of your posts I can't, for different reasons, some I'll even avoid, but some, I can totally see where you are coming from.
Thinking of you on the road to finding yourself, and others along the way too.