Three Steps Forward, Three Hundred Steps Back

I was doing so well. I hadn’t talked to Bartender in almost 2 months. I had to call him to ask him a question yesterday and I feel like I took 30 steps back emotionally. I feel like I did when we first broke up. He knows how to fuck with my head.

Yesterday, though I never said anything about wanting to be with him at all, he tells me he misses me, he wants me in his life, he loved our little lunches together, he misses me in his bed.
Today I text him to say “Happy Would-Be One Year Anniversary,” kind of as a joke, but also because it’s true. Today would have been one year for us. And he writes back that he can’t give me what I want, he doesn’t want to cause me anymore pain, I’m better off without him.
Which is funny because when I told him yesterday that we never should have been together in the first place because of how different we are, he got offended and upset by that statement. But today he can say that I am better off not being with him.
Why does he get under my skin so badly? Why does he have the ability to make it feel like he’s breaking my heart all over again every time we speak? It had been months, couldn’t he have grown up and moved on and talked to me like an adult?
And why am I still crying?
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  1. NicoleC
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 4:11 pm | Permalink

    He's a manipulative ass. He knows exactly what to say to push your buttons and get under your skin.

    Move. On.

  2. mady
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 4:29 pm | Permalink

    Good evening from Greece. Leonidio.

  3. Apollo Unchained
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 7:21 pm | Permalink

    I haven't read the backstory, but to me it sounds like he's being honest. Yes, he misses you. But yes, when he looks a little deeper he believes a relationship is doomed and hurtful to you.

    But I could be way off, I'm just going by what's written here, and projecting my own experiences.

  4. Bass Man
    Posted September 29, 2008 at 8:04 pm | Permalink

    Back in the days when I used to actually, you know, blog, I was trying to get someone out of my life, head,.. heart.

    One regular commenter made the obvious (to everyone but me) observation that the said someone was toxic to me. Your relationship with The Bartender reminds me of the dynamic that I was going through. (Hmmm, my someone was also a bartender.)

    Stay away from him. Avoid him. Nothing good ever comes from your meetings. You know it and you know that the wounds he leaves are deeper and more painful than any the Bruiser or Lawyer leave.

  5. Ms. Inconspicuous
    Posted September 30, 2008 at 12:46 am | Permalink

    Only those who have our emotions and our trust can ever truly hurt us like that–and with the simplest things, too.

    He knows how to push your buttons, and it sounds like doing so is his defense mechanism. If he hurts you, then he won't hurt.

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