I would like to preface this by saying that I was also highly, highly intoxicated during this exchange, and we have the same phone, so are tying on the same keypad.
Jess: Omg ski brkjyi!!!!
Me: Hiiiiiii!
Jess: Pron and watchingwiyh won’t and uim drunk.
Jess: Sexuk hole li jets part 3.
Me: Sounds fun!
Me: Are you drunk alone and watching porn?
Jess: Mj I’m with [husband].
Jess: Watxhbg probe
Jess: I wanna make him eat cupolmeMes and take li Pictor. Of hmm and put it on tunblme.
Jess: I should sbrby yly a hat box dyl Of Cookkies. And the you havebhta box tooJ
Me: The hurricane [Earl] never came.
Jess: Rhyyab and it s cd in indisnns.
Jess: IRS gonnabr showing inns nonth.
Me: Thanksgiving it snows here
Jess: Tjaugsb why Florida is Bettye
Jess: Indijananand bostj. Sucjss.
Jess: hrs pantless feisuay!
Me: No pants!
Jess: Yay!!!
Jess: Is watched zombie pen. The zombie bitmap off her bnipple. Ouch.
Me: I like my nipples being bitten but I want to keep them.
Jess: Stay away fro. Zombies. Thru will eat them.
Me: Are you watching zombie porn?
Jess: Yessz!
Me: WTF what’s it called? Want!!
Jess: Night if the groping dead.
Jess: It’s kinda kh rapey. Didn’t. Like it.
Me: Shame
Jess: Zombie fucks a girl wjgg a brroom handle while sh slleps. Crrweeepay.
I’m pretty impressed with my ability to figure out what she’s saying half the time. This has been “Drunk Texting With Jess Manifesto.”
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
Good Vibes 
4 Comments
Your drunk text deciphering skills are matched by no one! You’re the only one who ever has any idea wtf I’m talking about and replies.
These posts are the funniest thing EVER!
It’s almost like when a friend of mine’s parents leave drunk voicemails…..you can’t get what they are trying to say the first time….partly because of the laughter and the crying from laughing so hard.
Are some of the entries just the auto-fill? (Example: The zombie bitmap off her bnipple. I’m thinking “bitmap” is the auto-filled item.) My phone does this when I text and comes up with some funny suggestions sometimes.
Really…really f’n funny…
It’s kinda rapey. LOL.