This is a guest post, courtesy of Nell Gwynne.
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On Tuesday night, my hands involuntarily shook for an hour and a half. I slept poorly, and my mood didn’t really improve until this evening. This was because I ran into a psychotic ex while getting fitted for a costume for a film I’m rehearsing for. He arrived just as I got done, so I picked up my bag, and left without even recognizing his presence. Before then, I hadn’t seen him for several months.
The reason why seeing him again was such a triggering experience was because I once asked him, “What’s the crazies/kinkiest thing you’ve ever done in bed?” His response: “When I was seventeen, I punched a girl in the face, strapped her down, and fucked her until she bled and cried.”
I responded by saying, “When I was seventeen, I mostly studied for AP exams.”
He replied, “When I was seventeen, I was raping the willing.”
When he said that, I started to feel sick.
But I kick myself for not leaving as soon as he said that.
I left several weeks later after he told me that he couldn’t have sex with someone that he wasn’t really in love with. I kick myself even harder for not asking him if he loved the girl he raped.
I suppose you could say that I was lucky. I wasn’t assaulted or abused. But looking back, I realize that I ignored a lot of warning signs, and realized just how manipulative he was. If he’s part of the film crew, what is he going to tell people about me?
And I can’t go to campus security/the police because what kind of charge is “so-and-so is being manipulative?”
My college, like many others, sponsors programs where women can learn self-defense techniques so that they can defend themselves from the nameless, faceless stranger hiding in the bushes. But what is there to protect us from the people that we know and have to interact with on a regular basis?
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
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4 Comments
But what is there to protect us from the people that we know and have to interact with on a regular basis?
I think this question is the most important one we can ask. When I talk about my rape, it wasn’t from someone that drugged my drink in a bar, or attacked me while I was walking home. It was someone I was dating, whose home and bed I was willingly in, that I’d slept with before. 80% of women know their rapists. Not only is there nothing to protect us from those people, there’s no one to believe us when it happens. Guys tell us we’re being paranoid, or are insulted when they offer us their bed to sleep in, or a ride home, because “what do you think I’m going to do to you?” And the honest answer is, “I don’t know what you’re going to do to me.” And then they’re offended. But the truth of the matter is, we HAVE to treat them that way, because we’re protecting ourselves.
I’m sorry that you had to go through that, and I can’t imagine how confusing and scary and upsetting it must be to be dating someone, and realize that they’ve mistreated women in the past. But you mention warning signs, and it’s true: the way they’ve treated their exes is a really good indication of how they’ll treat you. <3
First off, sending some hugs that you have to deal with such an absolute douchebag.
It’s a difficult situation to be in, being around an ex is hard enough without all the added shit that you’re having to deal with. The fact that he was so proud of what he’d done is so fucking scary – makes my skin crawl.
Your final point, which Brit commented on as well, is so poignant and I can’t really add anything more.
*more hugs*
xxxx
The fact someone could so easily admit to something like that is disturbing to say the least.
Wow.