It Felt Like A Kiss

In addition to October being Breast Cancer Awareness Month and LGBT History Month, it’s also Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Some bloggers have already been awesome enough to discuss it or mention it. Others have been courageously telling their stories of abuse and survival on their own blogs for some time now. I mention it here and there, as it’s a big part of my life. Not only am I a survivor of DV (which I’ve written about here, as well, though most people took that post to be a work of fiction. It was only the tags that gave it away), but I work as a therapist at a domestic violence center. I mention that quite often, yet I’m surprised at the number of readers that email me or contact me outside of the blog that ask me what I do. Apparently many of you are just here for the smut and the nudity. However, it’s my blog and I’ll write what I want to. And this month, I want to write a series about domestic violence.

DV is a topic mentioned regularly enough on this blog to have it’s own tag*. However, there are so many misconceptions about DV and it’s something that isn’t talked about enough. Therefore, I’m planning on writing several posts throughout the month of October related to DV. I plan to touch on myths and misconceptions, red flags of an abuser, why victims stay in abusive relationships, male victims, safety when in an abusive environment as well as when leaving an abusive situation, and what kinds of things I see survivors struggling/coping with most often in our therapy sessions. I’ve already touched on LGBQ DV here and trans DV here. If there is anything else that you are interested in asking me or facets of it that you think I should cover, leave them in the comments. I also have a links list in my sidebar titled “Breaking the Silence.” There are a bunch of resources there as well.

In this post, I really just want to do a brief overview of what, exactly, domestic violence is. Domestic violence is about power and control. I cannot reiterate that statement enough. I have posted the power and control wheel before, and I will post it again and again. This wheel is given to almost everyone that walks in the doors of our center and the reaction to it is intense and profound. Many people are easily able to recognize physical violence as being abusive. But there are so many other abusive behaviors that are much more subtle and that have built up over time and we don’t even realize that these things are abuse. But a person has been being abused for a long time before they were ever hit. Because, let’s face it: if your partner beat you after dating for a month or so, you’d be out that door immediately. The abuser has to have established enough control over their victim that they know that they can hit them and that person won’t leave.

So how, exactly, do abusers establish power and control over their victims? How do they get someone to the point that that person will tolerate and accept the blatant abuse and violence that is perpetrated against them? What are the methods that batterers use to gain power and control over their victims? The tactics used by abusers has been compared to those used by captors to brainwash and torture hostages and prisoners of war. The power and control wheel outlines these methods. Not every abusive relationship will have elements from every slice on the wheel, just like not every abusive relationship will contain physical abuse. Each relationship is different, but they do tend to have common threads, and I find that a majority of the people that I see at the center have been in relationships that *do* have aspects of each of these abusive actions. I’m going to break down each piece of the wheel and then elaborate on them beyond what is written on the wheel itself.

Intimidation.

Making them afraid by using looks, actions, and gestures. We always say that the victim knows their abuser better than anyone else does. And once a batterer has established enough power over their victim, all it takes is a simple look or tone of voice and the victim knows immediately to back off. Shut up. Placate. All it takes is that one look to put the victim in their place.
Smashing things. This could be anything from smashing items around the house to punching holes in walls or doors when angry to banging on the table to prove a point. Throwing things is another thing that intimidates the victim without actually physically laying a hand on them.
Destroying property. Oftentimes, the batterer will destroy property belonging to the victim, especially items that have sentimental value or are of great value to the victim. This is also an example of emotional abuse.
Abusing pets. This person will torment pets and show no compassion for them. It’s also a way of torturing their victim by hurting something that they love and that means a lot to them. See? I am willing to kick the dog, just like I’m willing to kick you.
Displaying weapons. Even if an abuser never directly threatens their victim with the weapon, they may leave a gun or other weapon out in plain sight. The victim has never been threatened by the weapon, but they are very aware that their abuser owns that weapon and are constantly worried about them using it.
Stalking. This one is especially common when someone leaves their abuser. Their abuser’s power and control has been taken away and they need to do whatever they can to get it back. Stalking their victim by calling incessantly, showing up to their home, work, or children’s school, or following them while driving are meant to scare the person so much that they return to the abuser for fear that if they don’t, the abuser will do something even worse.

Emotional abuse.

Putting them down. Nothing the victim does is good enough. They put them down all the time and about anything and everything. They may criticize the victim for their race, gender, upbringing, or educational level.
Making them feel bad about themselves. The abuser will tell them that they’re fat and ugly and that no one will ever want them. “Who else is going to love someone like you?” When someone says things like that to you on a constant basis, eventually you are going to start believing it.
Calling them names. Fat. Lazy. Ugly. Slob. Liar. Whore. Stupid.
Making them think they’re crazy. We call this “crazy-making behavior.” These are things like taking the keys off the entry table and when the victim goes to look for them, they aren’t there. The victim searches high and low for their keys, swearing that they put them on the entry table. And then the abuser returns them to the entry table and says, “What the hell is wrong with you? They were right here!” Or messing with something in the car engine so that it won’t start and then replacing it and starting the car right up.
Playing mind games. These could be things like excessive and terrifying reckless driving while the victim is in the car, making them legitimately fear for their life. I’ve heard a story about an abuser holding a knife to his partner’s throat and then laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world. Or sneaking into the house dressed in all black and scaring their partner, then laughing hysterically about it.
Humiliating them. Especially in public. Humiliating them in front of friends and family or in public by insulting or putting them down.
Making them feel guilty. The victim is made to feel guilty about EVERYTHING. Dinner isn’t ready at 6:00 on the dot. There’s too much salt in the food. Little Johnny spilled his milk. The batterer can’t find their keys. You name it, it’s the victims fault.

Isolation. This is a big one. An abuser strives to isolate their victim from friends, family, and the outside world as much as possible so that a) they don’t have a support system to turn to or anywhere to go if they want to leave and b) they don’t have people telling the partner that these behaviors are not normal. Eventually, isolation can progress to the point of the abuser moving the victim away where they know no one and not allowing them the opportunity to go out and meet new people.

Controlling what they do, who they see and talk to, what they read, and where they go. This starts slowly, with seeds being planted with statements like, “Why are you talking to Jane? She doesn’t like me. I hate when you talk to Jane.” It progresses and can eventually get to the point where the abuser is checking milage on the car, phone records, and telling the victim where they can and cannot go.
Limiting outside involvement. This could be anything from not allowing the victim to join clubs or groups or go out with friends. The less exposure the victim has to the outside world, the less exposure they have to “normal” behaviors and relationships.
Using jealousy to justify actions. You see, they care about you so much that they just don’t want to lose you and it KILLS them when you see/talk/flirt with Linda/John/Connie.

Minimizing, denying, and blaming.

Making light of the abuse and not taking concerns about it seriously. This is done with statements like, “I didn’t hit you *that* hard!” or “It’s just a scratch! Get over it and stop being such a baby!”
Saying the abuse didn’t happen. When the victim brings up an abusive incident, the abuser might say, “I never did that.”
Shifting responsibility for the abuse. “You hit me first!”
Saying the victim caused it. “If I didn’t love you so much, I wouldn’t get so angry with you.” “If you had just gotten dinner ready on time, like I asked, I wouldn’t have had to hit you.”

Using children. Not all people that abuse their partners abuse their children, though studies show that about 60% of men that abuser their female partners also abuse their children. Children are one of the main things that keep victims in abusive relationships, and also become a much larger part of the abuse once a victim has left, as the abuser is trying to gain power and control back by any means possible.

Making them feel guilty about the children. “You made me have to hit you in front of our daughter!” Telling them that they are a bad parent or pointing out all the things they are doing wrong as a parent.
Using the children to relay messages. “Tell Mommy that if she had finished Daddy’s laundry, that he wouldn’t have had to hit/yell at her.”
Using visitation to harass partner. When a couple is separated, visitation rights and times are a way to harass, control, and manipulate the victim.
Threatening to take the children away. “If you leave, I’ll just get custody and you’ll never see your kids again.”

Economic abuse. This was something that I had never even considered before starting my job, but it is probably the most common form of abuse that I see, as well as the one that has the biggest impact in preventing a victim from leaving.

Preventing them from having or keeping a job. If a victim is not allowed to work, they do not have the means to support themselves or a method of doing so and thus often traps them in their relationship. An abuser may also not allow the victim to go to school or further their education, as those are things that enhance their opportunity for a better living.
Making them ask for money. This is embarrassing and humiliating for the victim. They must ask for money, and then give a reason why they need it, and are hardly ever allowed as much as they need. The abuser may even count the change to the cent and check all receipts when they get home from the store, because it’s THEIR money and they were nice enough to give you some.
Giving them an allowance. The abuser will give the victim a set amount of money each week, which is almost never enough to cover what they need to get. They may expect them to buy groceries, items for the children, and basic household items all on an obscenely small and unrealistic budget and then badger, harass, and punish them when/if they ask for more.
Taking their money. If the victim does work, the abuser may take their paycheck the minute they get it.
Not letting them have access to family income. Many victims have no idea how much money is in their abuser’s bank account, how much their bills are, or what any of their assets are. This keeps the control in the abuser’s hands, especially if the victim leaves.

Male privilege. While this was written to apply to heterosexual relationships, there is almost always a power imbalance in abusive relationships of all types and so these behaviors can really apply to any abuser, regardless of gender.

Treating partner like a servant. They may expect their partner to keep the house clean, do the laundry, shop for groceries, make dinner every night, and take care of the kids all on their own with no help whatsoever.
Making all the big decisions. Alone, and without input from their partner. Nor do they care what their partner would want.
Acting like the “master of the castle.”
Being the one to define men’s and women’s roles (or each partner’s roles). The victim must live up to what the abuser’s definition of a spouse/partner is. If the abuser expects their partner to be A, B, and C, then that is what their partner must be.

Coercion and threats.

Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt their partner. Oftentimes, the abuser *has* physically hurt their partner before, so the partner has every reason to believe that these threats are legitimate.
Threatening to leave, commit suicide, or report partner to welfare. “If you don’t do X, you’re a bad partner and I’m leaving you.” “If you leave me, I’ll kill myself. I can’t live without you!”
Making them drop charges. If the police are called after an incident, the victim may initially press charges. The abuser may stalk and harass them until they are intimidated enough to drop the charges or apologize and tell them that they love them and will get help to convince their partner to drop the charges.
Making them do illegal things. This could be forcing them to have sex for money or forcing them to go with them on drug deals. But this could also manifest itself in any action that an abuser forcers their victim to do that is against their moral or religious beliefs or that they are uncomfortable with.

As I’ve mentioned before, abuse and BDSM/D/s relationships differ because these controlling behaviors on the part of a dominant partner are 100% consensual. People in abusive relationships do not enjoy or consent to being treated this way. I know this post was long, and it’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the kinds of abuse and the things that people should be aware of and talk about concerning DV. My next post will explore dynamics of abusive relationships and why victims stay.

Unfortunately, domestic violence is not rare. And you can never predict who is a perpetrator or who is a victim. Most domestic violence is NOT physical and doesn’t leave bruises. But that doesn’t mean that there aren’t wounds and scars and injuries from it.

*Title of tag and post come from a song written by Carole King called “He Hit Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss).”