Why, Thank You Sir, For Not Raping Me!

From a piece on the always wonderful website The Frisky (like Cosmo! But online! Even though there already is a Cosmo online!) entitled 25 Things Women (Maybe) Don’t Know About Men:

“It is an instinct for us to look at women.  It is hard to control that, so maybe she needs to be satisfied that all we are doing is looking.”—Patrick, 52

First thought: *headdesk*

Second thought: “Oh, HELL NO.” Why hello, rape culture! “Maybe she needs to be satisfied that all we are doing is looking?” What the fuck? So we should be satisfied with the fact that instead of raping us or sexually assaulting us or sexually harassing us, “all [they] are doing is looking?” HOW NICE OF YOU TO JUST INAPPROPRIATELY CHECK US OUT INSTEAD OF FORCING YOURSELF ON US! And that almost sounds like a thinly veiled threat.

And hey, men: give yourself some more credit. When we say that men “can’t control themselves” or are “just being men,” we’re not giving men enough credit for being able to be decent human beings with self-control, which they are. They CAN control themselves, and the more we excuse away this kind of behavior by chalking it up to “boys being boys,” the longer we allow it to continue.

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  1. Sophie DelanceyNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 12:17 pm | Permalink

    Holy crap… Really? That is beyond reprehensible “journalism”, if you can call it that. Someone needs to acquaint that man (as well as the staff at The Frisky) with the White Ribbon Campaign. The whole point of “Men Can Stop Rape” isn’t about “You ladies should just be happy I’m only leering at you!” Good grief.

  2. Ms.InconspicuousNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 12:27 pm | Permalink

    Funny, with my contextual experiences, I took this as, “So maybe she [my girlfriend/spouse] needs to be satisfied that all we are doing is looking [instead of practicing non-consensual non-monogamy].”

    It would seem more like a typical quote from Cosmo, so I’m inclined to think it might actually be meant that way, but poorly worded. (Not that I disbelieve that the rape-culture quote wouldn’t happen.)

    I would say, also in the revised context, that it’s human instinct to look at other humans that we find attractive. Attractive men (and women) catch my eye without me necessarily being able to “control” that (though, hello, discretion!).

  3. alanaNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 1:01 pm | Permalink

    I wrote a really long response, but I just realized this comment can be read at least two ways. 1. Is the way you read it. 2. That his comments are directed at his girlfriend/partner and he is explaining that while he sometimes looks at other women, that doesn’t mean he’s cheating. Does that make sense? Cause that is what I was thinking and I was like “this is not that big of a deal.” So I read it again and it’s quite troubling not knowing what exactly the author meant. I am really hoping number 2 (though that would still make him a douche it isn’t as outrageous).

  4. mdoveNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 2:43 pm | Permalink

    I was surprised this didn’t come up in the comments on that linked article. It sounds pretty ominous.

    Then I read it again, and I think maybe Mr. 52-year-old-Patrick meant more that “she” [his theoretical girlfriend or wife] should be satisfied that he is only looking at, and not sleeping with, other women.

    • KateNo Gravatar
      Posted September 7, 2010 at 7:41 pm | Permalink

      Personally I think “Patrick” means more along the lines of what you’re saying… but even so, it does come across as threatening. What girlfriend deserves to be told that her man can’t really help himself and that she should be glad he isn’t cheating… yet…

  5. EveNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 3:09 pm | Permalink

    Yep, what you said.

  6. twgNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 3:25 pm | Permalink

    You’re welcome! I’ll try not to rape you tomorrow, too!

    Ugh to all of this.

  7. EpiphoraNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 4:46 pm | Permalink


  8. TaniaNo Gravatar
    Posted September 7, 2010 at 10:00 pm | Permalink

    When I read that the first time it didn’t seem overly offensive, but I got it when I read it again. I suppose what he meant was, as alana and mdove said, that just because you check someone out doesn’t mean you’d cheat on your partner with them. Still, what a terrible choice of words.

    It’s strange how the general consensus in society is that checking out other people when in a relationship is just a ‘guy thing’. Girls do it too, we’re probably just more discreet about it.

    That whole list is stupid, if you ask me, especially the ‘keep the sleeping around to a minimum’ one, because I’ve worried about telling people my number in the past. But I figure if they’re the type to hold something like that against me, then I don’t want them anyway.

    • ElodieNo Gravatar
      Posted September 7, 2010 at 11:58 pm | Permalink

      I hate the idea of that kind of list, even when they sometimes include positive messages. Anyone who believes all men think and want the same things is — well, stupid. Do the men quoted on that list really think so poorly of themselves? Do they think they’re that interchangeable? Sad.

  9. MoonshineAndSunlightNo Gravatar
    Posted September 8, 2010 at 5:05 pm | Permalink

    I think this one disturbed me more
    “Blow jobs shouldn’t always lead to sex. Also, if you don’t like doing the oral, think of it this way: The better you are, the less time it will take.”—Todd

    If you don’t like doing oral, you shouldn’t have to do it, period. So WTF? They all sounds like douchebags, but this one really stuck out and unsettled me.

    • FridaNo Gravatar
      Posted September 9, 2010 at 4:27 pm | Permalink

      Or maybe it means ‘compromise’. Sometimes you do things you don’t overly personally enjoy because you know your partner likes it. Even in sex. And if compromise DOES happen in sex, that isn’t rape; The whole point of compromising is that it’s consentual and something the compromising party wants to do despite it not being a personal turn-on.

      It’s not saying “If you don’t want to do oral at all, do it anyway because it’s all up to him”, it’s saying: “If you don’t like doing oral, but you want to anyway, every cloud has a silver lining – the better you get, the less time you’ll maybe have to spend on it.”.

      Everything in the sex world can be read in three ways: One is that almost everything is threatening and anti-woman. Another is that everything’s completely fine. And the third, and most likely in this case, is that everything is completely fine in the writers’ heads, who meant no hard, but could be worded a little better for those who fall into the group who read things the first way.

      • FridaNo Gravatar
        Posted September 9, 2010 at 4:28 pm | Permalink

        *meant no harm,

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