I’ve discussed coercive rape on this blog before, and that I think that men are victims when it comes to how we teach consent just as much as women are. I think that the way we talk about consent makes rapists out of men that would not otherwise be rapists. And I had an experience the other night that clearly reflected that*. I also realized that my reaction to it was very different than it would have been a few years ago, and it was probably different than many girls’ would have been now.
I had very awesome, very consensual sex with a guy. The next morning, I had somewhere to be. We had lazy morning sex a few hours before I had to get up, but we were both tired and fell back asleep. As I was getting up, Guy was hard. He made comments that I blew off at first, but after a while began to make me mad. “Come back!’ “Look what you did!” “You made it like this so you have to take care of it!”
And that’s where I went from being cute about the fact that I had to leave to angry. I’d only met this guy the night before. But even still, do NOT tell me that it’s somehow my responsibility to take care of your boner. Or because I’d fucked you once or twice that I’m OBLIGATED to fuck you again. OH HELL NO. So I tried to play it off, since we didn’t really know each other, and said, “I have to go, you have a hand. Take care of it yourself.”
“It’s not the same,” he said. “Sex is so much better!” “Come on!” “You could just even kiss it and I’d have that in my mind while I finished myself!” At this point, I’m beyond angry and turned off. My head is screaming, “coercive rape!” A shame, really, because I had enjoyed his company and the sex after the good company, but his behavior was such a turn off. And as I walked away, I thought to myself, “Just a few years ago, before I had the confidence and education that I have now, I probably would have given in to that.” And it’s true. I would have felt that I *did* owe him something because I’d slept with him the night before. I would have felt bad when he whined. And so would so many other girls. I’m glad I know enough to walk out of the room and not think twice about it, but how many other girls don’t? How many other girls would give that blow job because they felt obligated somehow?
A lot. And not that long ago, I would have been one of those girls. And I now know that his pushiness is a pattern, as I got a text asking for a naked picture of me. We’ve slept together once. Again, when I was younger, more insecure, and more vulnerable, I may have been fairly easily persuaded to send that picture.
Not today. Pushy will get you nowhere. I’ll give what I want to give. End of story. I have been a victim of coercive rape too many times. Not again.
*I will address this in a separate post, because it deserves it.