Safety During or After a Violent Incident

You cannot always avoid violent incidents. In order to increase safety, you may use a variety of the following strategies:

• If I decide to leave, I will _____________________________. (Practice how to get out safely. What doors, windows, elevators, stairwells or fire escapes would you use?) 
• I can keep my purse and car keys ready and put them (place) _________________ in order to leave quickly (try to keep them near a door or window so you can grab them and run). 
• I can tell ___________________ about the violence and request they call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my home (This should be a neighbor or friend). 
• I can also tell __________________________  (neighbor) about the violence and request they call the police if they hear suspicious noises coming from my house (Let your neighbors know that they can make anonymous phone calls and it won’t be traced back to them, in case they say they don’t want to get involved). 
• I can teach my children how to use the telephone to contact the police and the fire department (as soon as they are old enough). 
• I will use _____________________ as my code word so they can call for help (Use a code word with children or friends. This should be a neutral word (i.e. “orange,”) that you can use so that your batterer does not suspect anything. Something you can use casually in conversation so that if your child hears it, they know to go to another room to call police, or if you are on the phone with a friend or neighbor, they know to hang up and call police, all without notifying the batterer that authorities have been called).  
• If I have to leave my home, I will go to ____________________________________. (Decide this even if you don’t think there will be a next time!) 
• If I cannot go to the location above, then I can go to ______________________________ or to __________________________________________ (If you cannot think of a friend or family member’s home to go to, police or fire stations are always safe places, even if you do not intend on pressing charges. You cannot be harmed in either of those locations).
• I can also teach some of these strategies to some or all of my children.

• When I expect we are going to have an argument, I will try to move to a space that is lowest risk, such as ____________________________________. (Try to avoid arguments in the bathroom, garage, kitchen, near weapons or in rooms without access to an outside door. You cannot always avoid an argument or confrontation. Kitchens have many things that can be used as weapons, such as knives. Try to avoid arguments in kitchens. Bathrooms/closets/bedrooms only have one exit; try to avoid arguments in rooms without escape routes. Rooms with more than one exit are best to argue in. If you cannot avoid an argument, you can at least argue in the safest place possible). 
• I will use my judgment and intuition. If the situation is very serious, I can give my partner what he/she wants to calm him/her down. I have to protect myself until I/we are out of danger (You know your abuser better than anyone else. If you can calm them down with whatever means possible, even if it’s not something you want to do, do it to avoid further trouble/damage/anger until you can get somewhere safe. Your safety and your children’s safety is first and foremost important).

Safety when preparing to leave:

Battered individuals frequently leave the residence they share with the battering partner. Leaving must be done with a careful plan in order to increase safety. Batterers often strike back when they believe that their partner is leaving a relationship.

I can use some of all of the following safety strategies:

• I will leave money and an extra set of keys with __________________ so I can leave quickly. 
• I will keep copies of important documents or keys at ______________________ (The last two are very important. A batterer will do what they can to prevent their partner from leaving, and this includes destroying or hiding important documents. An abused person must take as many precautions as possible before they leave. Make copies of all important keys and documents, and leave them with someone you can trust, or in a safety deposit box that only you have access to). 
• I will open a savings account by ___________________ to increase my independence (Even if you are only saving $5 or $20 a week, it’s *something.* Save as much as you can). 
• Other things I can do to increase my independence include: _________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
• The domestic violence program number is __________________________. 
• I can seek shelter by calling this number____________________. 
• I can keep change for phone calls on me at all times. I understand that if I use my telephone or credit card, the following month the telephone bill will tell my batterer those numbers that I called after I left. To keep my telephone communications confidential, I must either use coins or I might get a friend to permit me to use their telephone credit card for a limited time when I first leave (Pay phones these days are few and far between. Either get your own phone (pay as you go works well) or keep a calling card on you. Keeping a cell phone powered on that your partner as access to may allow them to track you. Keep all important names and addresses written down and on you. Credit cards are also traceable, which is why having a separate bank account or stash of cash is important). 
• I will check with _____________________ and ______________________ to see who would be able to let me stay with them or lend me some money. 
• I can leave extra clothing with ___________________________________.
• I will sit down and review my safety plan every ______________________ in order to plan the safest way to leave the residence (Review your plan and  practice any escape. That way you are not thinking on the fly and making decisions that may endanger you more). 
• The following friend or domestic violence advocate has agreed to help me review this plan: _____________________________ (They may help you catch holes in your plan that you may not have thought of on your own). 
• I will rehearse my escape plan and, as appropriate, practice it with my children.

Safety in my own residence (Whether you’ve gotten a new place, or remain in the place you used to share with the abuser):

It may be possible to do everything at once, but safety measures can be added step-by-step. Safety measures I can use include:

• I can change the locks on my doors and windows as soon as possible. 
• I can replace wooden doors with steel/metal doors. 
• I can install security systems including additional locks, window bars, poles to wedge against the doors, an electronic system, etc. 
• I can purchase rope ladders to be used for escape from second floor windows.
• I can install smoke detectors and purchase fire extinguishers for each floor in my house or apartment. 
• I can install an outside lighting system that lights up when a person is coming close to my home (motion detecting lights are great. They go off whenever someone is within a certain distance of your home). 
• I will teach my children how to use the telephone to make a collect call to me and to _______________________ or _____________________ (friend, minister, other) in the event that my partner takes the children. 
• I will tell people who take care of my children which specific people have permission to pick up my children and that my partner is not permitted to do so. The people I will inform about pick-up permission include: (School) (Day Care Staff) (Babysitter) (Sunday School Teacher) (Teacher) (Other) 
• I can inform _____________ (neighbor), __________________(pastor), and _______________ (friend) that my partner no longer resides with me and they should call the police if they are observed near my residence (If you have a restraining order, provide a picture to as many people as possible. School, work, building security, etc.).

Safety with a Protection Order:

Many batterers obey protection orders, but one can
never be sure which violent partner will obey and which will violate protection orders. I recognize that I may need the police and the courts to enforce my protection order.

The following are some steps that I can take to help the enforcement of my
protection order:
A. I will keep my protection order placed in _________________ (location). (Always
keep it on or near your person. If you change purses, that’s the first thing that should
go in.)
B. I will give my protection order to police departments in the community where I work,
in those communities where I usually visit family or friends, and in the community
where I live.
C. There should be a registry of protection orders that all police departments can call to
confirm a protection order. I can check to make sure that my order is in the registry.
The telephone number for the registry of protection orders is:
______________________.

• I can call the local domestic violence program if I am not sure about A, B, or C above or if I have any problems with my protection order. 
• I will inform my employer, my minister or pastor, my closest friend, __________________, and __________________ that I have a protection order in effect.
• If my partner destroys my protection order, I can get another copy by going to _______________________________________________________________________.
• If my partner violates the protection order, I can call the police and report a violation, contact my attorney, call my advocate, and/or advise the court of the violation. 
• If the police do not help, I can contact my advocate or attorney and can file a complaint with the chief of the police department. 
• I can also file a private criminal complaint with the district justice in the jurisdiction where the violation occurred or with the District Attorney. 
• The number of the District Attorney’s office in my area is: _______________________. 
• I can charge my battering partner with a violation of the protection order and the crimes that he commits in violating the order. I can call the domestic violence advocate to help me with this.

Safety on the job and in public:

Each battered person must decide if and when they will tell that their partner has battered them and that they may be at continued risk. Friends, family and co-workers can help to protect people. Each person should carefully consider which people to invite to secure their safety.

I might do any or all of the following:

• I can inform my boss, the security supervisor, and ________________ at work of my situation. 
• I can ask ______________________ to help screen my telephone calls at work.  
• When leaving work, I can take the following precautions: ____________________________. 
• When driving home, if problems occur, I can _______________________________. 
• If I use public transit, I can _____________________________________. 
• I can use different grocery stores and shopping malls to conduct my business and shop at hours that are different than those used when residing with my battering partner. 
• I can use a different bank and take care of my banking at hours different from those I used when residing with my battering partner.

I can also take the following precautions:

If drug or alcohol use has occurred in my relationship with the battering partner, I
can enhance my safety by some or all of the following:

• If I am going to use, I can do so in a safe place with people who understand the risk of violence and are committed to my safety. 
• I can also ___________________________________________. 
• If my partner is using, I can ______________________________________. 
• I might also be able to __________________________________________. 
• To safeguard my children, I might _______________________________________ and _______________________________________________.

The experience of being battered and verbally degraded by a partner is usually exhausting and emotionally draining. The process of building a new life for myself takes much courage and incredible energy.

To conserve my emotional energy and resources and to avoid hard emotional times,
I can do some of the following:

• If I feel down and ready to return to a potentially abusive situation, I can ____________________, _______________________, or ___________________________. 
• When I have to communicate with my partner in person or by telephone, I can _____________________________, or _______________________________. 
• I can try to use “I can…” statements with myself and to be assertive with others. 
• I can tell myself, “_____________________________________________________” when I feel others are trying to control or abuse me. 
• I can read _________________________________ to help me feel stronger. 
• I can call _______________________ and ______________________ as other resources to encourage and be of support to me. 
• Other things I can do to help myself feel stronger are: 
• I can attend workshops and support groups at the domestic violence program or at ________ _____________________________ or __________________ to gain support and encouragement and strengthen my relationships with other people. 
• I can attend workshops and support groups at the domestic violence program or at ________ _____________________________ or __________________ to gain support and encouragement and strengthen my relationships with other people.

Items to be taken when leaving:

When people leave partners, it is important to take
certain items with them. Beyond this, people sometimes give an extra copy of papers and an extra set of keys clothing to a friend just in case they must leave quickly.

It is important to take the items noted on the list below. If there is time, some items might
be taken and stored outside the home in advance. These items might best be placed in one
location, so that if we have to leave in a hurry, we can grab them easily.
When I leave, I should take with me:

• Identification for myself 
• Children’s birth certificates 
• My own birth certificate 
• Social Security cards 
• School and vaccination records 
• Money 
• Checkbook, ATM (Automatic Teller Machine) card
• Credit cards 
• Keys – house/car/office 
• Driver’s license and registration 
• Medications for myself and my children 
• Welfare/WIC identification 
• Work permits 
• Green card 
• Passport(s) 
• Divorce/custody papers 
• Restraining Order 
• Bank books 
• Medical records – for all family members (including immunization records for school) 
• Lease/rental agreement, house deed, mortgage payment book
• Insurance papers 
• Small saleable objects 
• Address book 
• Photographs or pictures 
• Jewelry 
• Children’s favorite toys, blankets, bottles, etc.

So much of this seems like overkill, but it really is important and relevant. Lethality is highest when a battered person leaves their relationship. Protect yourself and your children as much as possible. There is no such thing as too safe. It sounds like a cliche, but it’s better to be safe then sorry. And if you don’t leave, you may not be able to prevent a violent incident, but you can protect yourself as much as possible while one is occurring.