This is the seventh part in a series about domestic violence, in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You may want to read Parts I, II, III, IV, V, and VI. This is Part II of II on how domestic violence affects children. Part I can be found here.
There are many different ways that witnessing abuse in the home can affect children. It affects them in direct ways, both physically and mentally, as well as affecting the messages that they learn and the ideas that they carry and perpetuate in their own lives.
From ages 2-4, they can experience abuse by seeing it, hearing it, trying to stop altercations, hitting on their parent to defend the other, or becoming abused themselves. There are many effects of this abuse, and they begin to become more evident. I often say that “adults act in; children act out.” Because children to not have the emotional capacity or maturity to cope with, handle, or understand the emotions they are experiencing, they express it the only way they know how. This means that distress in children often manifests itself behaviorally or in somatic symptoms. Children at this age show such effects of abuse such as speech problems or verbalizing seeing the abuse to other people. They may begin acting out aggressively or having problems relating to other kids, or they may become withdrawn (typically, boys tend to act out behaviorally more, while girls are more likely to become withdrawn. This is not always the case, however). Their toileting may be delayed or they may have eating problems (oftentimes, toilet training and food are some of the few things that children can control for themselves, and they attempt to gain control over whatever they can in their turbulent environment). They may be nervous or jumpy, exhibit insecurity and fear or depression (which looks very different in children than it does in adults). They may have sleeping problems, nightmares, or night terrors. They may also start complaining of headaches or stomachaches.
From ages 5-12, both the ways that children experience abuse and the ways that it affects them increases. They experience abuse by seeing it, hearing it, picking one parent to defend, physically intervening, or calling the police. How does this effect them? They may suffer from insecurity or low self-esteem, depression, or withdrawal. They may begin bedwetting (this is a huge one), have nightmares, or complain of stomach or headaches. They may have problems in school, or become an under- or overachiever in order to get attention from their parents. They may develop problems of their own to attempt to prevent their parents from fighting. They may show an early interest in alcohol or drugs, display sexual promiscuity, or may run away from home. The child may be violent prone, or may become the caretaker for their younger siblings. They may also become embarrassed of their family and not want to bring friends home.
In the teen years, you begin to see differences in the ways that boys and girls both experience abuse and are affected by abuse. Both teen boys and girls experience abuse by seeing it, hearing it, picking one parent to defend, physically intervening, or calling the police. They suffer effects such as school problems, social problems, depression, or withdrawal. They may run away, suffer from feelings of shame and embarrassment, or prematurely participate in sexual activities. They may get in serious relationships too early in order to escape their home life. They may become truant, be an over- or underachiever, or have alcohol and drug problems. They may exhibit antisocial behavior or join gangs in order to find familial support that they feel they are missing at home. Some view suicide as their only escape and take their own lives.
Teen boys, in addition to all the ways of experiencing abuse listen above, may also threaten to kill or actually kill the perpetrator, or will physically intervene. They also suffer from additional effects of abuse such as using violence in their own relationships, contributing to teen pregnancy, or attacking either the abuser or the abused parent (they’ve learned that it’s an acceptable way to treat the victim; they do not deserve respect). If their abuser is male and the abused partner is female, they may exhibit disrespectful attitudes and behaviors towards women, or may be confused or have insecurities about being a man. Teen girls are at greater risk for being abused by the perpetrator themselves, especially sexually, as they get older. The effects of this abuse include teen pregnancy or may accept violence in their own relationships. If they are in a household with a male batterer and a female victim, they may learns that male violence is normal, learn that women deserve no respect, or may become embarrassed about being female.
What do children raised in abusive homes learn from the behaviors modeled in their homes? Violence is a learned behavior; parents’ statements and behaviors are probably the single greatest influence on the development of children’s values and on how they perceive other people and and themselves– at least as powerful as their parents’ words (which sometimes convey opposite messages). While these things may not be explicitly stated, they are learning that:
- The target of the abuse is at fault, not the abuser. Abusers make it clear that the victim is at fault by being too emotional, questioning the abuser’s decisions, or by being overly angry. Children are likely to exhibit problems in how they treat other people because they have been taught how to blame others.
- Satisfaction in life comes through controlling and manipulating others. Abusive behaviors communicate to their children that having power over other people is a desirable goal. When sons of male abusers reach adolescence, they may lack empathy for their victims, having been conditioned by their fathers to shut themselves off to caring about the feelings of females.
- One partner should be in control, and the other should submit to that control.
- The abused partner (oftentimes female) is weak, incompetent, and illogical. An abuser teaches their children to see others in the degrading light that they see their victims in. Daughters of abusive parents often have profound self-esteem problems, while sons may in turn be disparaging of and superior to others (especially girls and women).
- One parent (often the mother, if there is one in the home) does the hard, constant, responsible daily work of parenting, while the other (often the father, if there is one in the home) steps in to make the key decisions and share the fun times. Children often associate the abused partner with routine and structure, whereas they learn to connect the abuser with times that are special and exciting.
- People that love you get to abuse you. Children who grow up exposed to an abusive parent’s behavior learn that abuse is the price people pay if they want to receive love.
- Adults are inconsistent in their attitudes and feelings towards each other. As the cycle of violence runs it’s course, they may see their parents’ relationship go from loving and close to violent and turbulent in a matter of weeks, days, or hours.
- Violence is an acceptable way to handle conflict.
- Negotiating for one’s needs can be dangerous. If I speak up or disagree, I may be assaulted or punished, so it’s best to keep them to myself.
- A child’s needs are unimportant.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
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2 Comments
Oh, man. Like Part 1, this post had a lot of my childhood in it. After reading this, I can see that I suddenly began showing extreme signs of childhood depression when my father's behavior grew more abusive (when I was about 11). I also recognized in my own life growing up several things on the list of things children learn from abuse. Particularly "People that love you get to abuse you.", "Adults are inconsistent in their attitudes and feelings towards each other.", (a frequent saying in my home was "Dad is nothing if not inconsistent") and "A child's needs are unimportant." (my father's usual response to my protests against his inconsistent and illogical rules was "I'm the parent and you're the child, so it doesn't matter if it's not fair/doesn't make sense"). Also, the bit about eating problems jumps out at me. My younger brother, the only person in my family who was battered by my father, had extreme eating problems through most of his childhood through early adolescence, leading to serious digestive problems for years and requiring regular interventions by a gastroenterologist. In the 6 years since we stopped living with my dad, his eating habits have become less extreme, but he has yet to actually take good care of himself.
Your post was very informative, and brought to my attention many things that I am beginning to recognize as abusive behaviors by my father, which I haven't examined or acknowledged as much as the sexual abused I suffered as a child. Again, thank you. This series is very important.
Thank you for writing this whole series. It was informative and heart breaking.