I was asked this question recently, and I’ve been thinking about the answer to it. Why do I date people that treat me like crap? Especially when I know that they treat me like crap and I know that I deserve better than that? I think that the answer is complicated, but I’m going to try and sort it out.
There is a “before and after” pattern when it comes to my boyfriends. As in “Before Boyfriend” and “After Boyfriend.” For those that don’t recall, Boyfriend was the one that broke my heart. The one that got away. The one that I thought was The One. He didn’t break my heart in a malicious way; our lives were simply taking us different places and those places were not compatible. Everyone I dated before Boyfriend was always The Nicest Guy Ever. They were never the cutest, never the hottest, never the hippest, but they treated me like gold and I adored them. Before Boyfriend I had happy, healthy, functional relationships. After Boyfriend, I have tended to date emotionally abusive, selfish, emotionally distant men. My track record of guys after Boyfriend includes CB, Bartender, and The Bruiser. Yeah. The relationships that I have had after Boyfriend have been tumultuous, dramatic, and dysfunctional.
Okay, but why? Well, I think that the answer is twofold. First off, if I date someone that I know is an asshole from the beginning, I won’t be shocked when he fucks me over. Boyfriend was the nice guy that COMPLETELY caught me off guard and shattered my world when he broke with me. I didn’t expect it or see it coming. If I date a guy that is a douche from day one, I half expect him to dump me or cheat on me or treat me like shit. If he does something shitty to me, I can always say, “Well, that’s just him. He’s a dick.” I can be at least partially prepared for the emotional turmoil that the guy will put me through.
The second part of the reason has to do with the emotional abuse that CB put me through. CB was my rebound from Boyfriend and I jumped into things with him quickly and didn’t realize at the time what kind of relationship that I would end up having with him. CB beat me down emotionally. He destroyed my confidence and self-esteem. He manipulated me, tortured me, and made me look like a fool time and again. And while on the outside, I’m still that confident, quirky, independent girl, I think that deep down I subconsciously suffer those effects from the emotional abuse. I think that, maybe, subconsciously, I think that I don’t deserve any better, even though I know that’s not true.
This is something that I’m trying to work on. I want to have a healthy, happy, functional relationship. I want to date someone that treats me well. The first step is acknowledging and identifying the problem and the reasons for it, which I have done. But insight is not enough to change it. The change is the hard part. But I will change it. It may take time, but eventually I will learn that I deserve better than what I’ve let myself have.
I'm Britni, a snarky bitch and generally awesome person. I write about sex, love, and bullshit. If sex-positivity, discussions about BDSM and kink, queer issues, and topics that are completely inappropriate by society's standards make you uncomfortable, then this blog is not for you.
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5 Comments
Actually getting up and making the change certainly is the hardest part–but I know you can do it. Don't beat yourself up if it takes time.
I’ve always wondered about this phenomenon. I’m one of those rare people who won’t let anyone treat me like shit so it’s hard for me to relate. lol
My sister is the polar opposite though and it’s interesting to hear your side of things.
Isn’t it worse though when you analyze things and are conscience of why you’re doing something or feel a certain way? For me it’s always a kicker. Sometimes I wish I could just be angry without thinking about it on a psychological level.
Britni,
I follow your blog because you are up front in your thoughts and have an incredibly open mind. Which is something to be proud of.
But Britni, I want to be honest with you and tell you that I fear the road you're taking. Not the take it or leave it attitude or how you liked your sex. Almost everyday I check up on you and it's almost like an accident waiting to happen. I usually skim through and just can't believe how you let yourself be treated. Have kinky sex, masterbate, eat weird things, stand up for what you are passionate about, but Britni dig deep and take care of "you".
I hope you can understand my concern and I just think you are worth so much more.
Take care pretty lady.
Laroo
That explains why the ladies chose guys over me. Oh well. I'm happy with my wife.
Right on Britni. You know where they are and you know what to do. I hope you do find a guy who treats you with more respect.
Hey, my "word verification" is "mushlop". What a great word! Mushlop.