Comments on: White Knight

By: BlowJoy

BlowJoy — Sat, 25 Sep 2010 17:37:56 +0000

Maybe YOU are also an addict… addicted to helping/saving people. I’ve dealt with this myself to some degree. I had to address the reasons for that addiction before I could have a healthy relationship.

By: alana

alana — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 16:17:46 +0000

I can totally see how you thought that, but I didn’t mean literally seeking them out like “let’s go find a junkie.” I think we can seek things out without looking for them as long as we’re more prone to put ourselves in certain positions.

Did that make any sense at all? lol

So I didn’t mean to ask if you actively seek out people you can “save,” but whether or not you’re more likely to start relationships with these people than usual. Similar questions, but much different I think.

By: Britni TheVadgeWig

Britni TheVadgeWig — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 16:02:11 +0000

Sorry! That’s how I interpreted “it seems weird to seek these relationships out (though I don’t know if you do this).”

By: alana

alana — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 15:50:27 +0000

That’s not how I meant it, but okay.

By: Britni TheVadgeWig

Britni TheVadgeWig — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 07:40:26 +0000

My ex (the love of my life) is borderline. Not easy people, by any means.

I think (and I’m just saying this for me, it may or may not be true for you) that as a damaged person I can relate to damaged people on level that I can’t relate to so-called normal people on.

I don’t necessarily think this is true for me. I’m damaged, but I think everyone is a little bit damaged. I do think that my desire to want to protect and help people relates to my job choice, though, for sure.

I also feel like I have to be needed, and I’m kind of addicted to the feeling of being wanted and needed.

This rings slightly true for me, though.

By: MoonshineAndSunlight

MoonshineAndSunlight — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 06:35:12 +0000

I actually know exactly what you mean. My current boyfriend has ADHD and is borderline. He doesn’t use, but I feel an inherent need to make everything better for him. To protect him. To light up his life when no one else does.

The most recent ex was an alcoholic, the one before that a drug user, and the one before that was institutionalized for violent behavior and suicidal tendencies. You get what I mean.

It’s not that I go looking for damaged people, I just seem to find them, it’s like a magnet. And I know that I can’t fix anyone, they have to *want* to fix themselves, and I know I myself and damaged also. I think (and I’m just saying this for me, it may or may not be true for you) that as a damaged person I can relate to damaged people on level that I can’t relate to so-called normal people on. I also feel like I have to be needed, and I’m kind of addicted to the feeling of being wanted and needed.

Do you think it’s the same for you?

By: Sa

Sa — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 06:26:30 +0000

I understand what you are saying. Not wanting to change people but to love them enough to want to change themselves…It’s so hard.

By: Eve

Eve — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 06:08:24 +0000

I’ve found myself on the other side of that dynamic a good number of times. I’m the shy girl with anxiety and PTSD and an abusive past and risk of self-harm/past suicidal thoughts that seems to make people want to protect me. I know that’s not the same as being an addict or abuser, but it does seem to inspire a protectiveness similar to what you described. A little protection can be nice (or even just the assurance that they won’t treat me like that that I seem to find in these people). Sadly, it has often ended up with the protector person trying to change me, or expecting me to grow out of my PTSD because of their protection, and getting frustrated when I continue to be the way I am. I will say that the encouragement of some of these people has helped me to seek out the help I need to get better. But you are spot on when you say that you can’t make them change and that the only people who can really protect them are themselves. It’s really awesome that you recognize the need for good boundaries. I think you really hit the nail on the head here. It really does help to have someone show you that you are lovable and deserve to be loved, but having someone as your savior doesn’t really help (what you said about transferring dependence).

I could say a lot more, but I don’t want to be presumptuous by making what you’re talking about in your life out to be the same thing as what I’ve experienced. I can certainly see a similarity though. This post really spoke to me.

By: Britni TheVadgeWig

Britni TheVadgeWig — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 05:18:25 +0000

No, I don’t actively seek them out. I would never be like, “Let me go find an addict that’s actively using to be my partner! It’ll be awesome!” I just seem to fall into them, or be drawn to people that I feel a desire to protect.

By: alana

alana — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 04:46:21 +0000

“But at the end of the day, so many of my relationships fail because I’m entering into relationships with the best intentions, but with someone that maybe isn’t ready to be with me.” Do you think that maybe you do this on purpose as a way to avoid lasting relationships? I’m just wondering since I think this is something people do quite often, if not in different ways.

I wouldn’t not date someone just because they suffer from drug problems, but it seems weird to seek these relationships out (though I don’t know if you do this) . Plus, my parents had major drug issues and I don’t know if I would want to live through that ever again.