Comments on: I Can’t Even http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/i-cant-even/ I'm nothing but a brash and impetuous girl striving to be true to myself while searching for somewhere to belong, someone to love, and a better version of me. Sat, 11 Dec 2010 07:29:26 +0000 hourly 1 By: EJ http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/i-cant-even/comment-page-1/#comment-14565 EJ Sun, 08 Aug 2010 04:26:17 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=3262#comment-14565 I dont know if this means anything to you since I've only commented once, but below is the comment I left on that horrible blog post. I absolutely love your blog. Reading it makes me feel a lot less alone in some of the painful experiences I've had. I'm so sorry someone like you had to go through them, but you have no idea what it means to women like me that you share the experience, share the healing process and the pain that goes along with it, and make us feel like we're normal, ok and not somehow being singled out as victims. I know people can be really hard on you sometimes, but for those of us who have been there, you have no idea what an honest, frank, well written blog like yours means to us. And seriously, anyone who tries to make you feel like you're doing something wrong by being honest and trying to take the taboo out of sexual assault as well as sexual enjoyment can take their self righteous smarmyness and shove it up their condescending asses. ************************************* The extent of victim blaming in your post is quite horrifying. You state that for a woman to experience sexual assault she must somehow be inviting it, but unless you have an extremely broad definition of how a woman can possibly invite assault and harassment, at least in my experience, this is most certainly not true. I wear an Islamic head scarf -as well as my wedding ring- and follow a dress code where I wear loose fitting clothing and show nothing other than my hands and face. I almost never go anywhere other than the library after 10pm and, as part of my religious commitment, I generally politely decline to shake hands with men when the situation arises. Despite the fact that I make it abundantly clear that I am in no way interested or asking for any sort of male sexual attention, I have still had experiences such as a male metro employee telling me that he bets it would look really hot to get a blow job from a woman in a scarf and that he intends to masturbate to the image of me fellating him later. While in Lebanon, I once had a soldier attempt to rape me at gun point because I was walking home with a male friend at 3am and he assumed that I must have been having a sexual relationship with my friend (who, incidentally, is gay). Yes, I was out late at night and this was before the wedding ring, but I was doing nothing at all illicit, was not drunk, and was not dressed in an even remotely provocative way. I have also had a complete stranger here in DC grab and twist my breast hard enough to leave bruises from 4 of his fingers all around the breast while in an elevator at 11am. Following the line of logic in your blog post, I almost feel as though you would like me to blame myself for getting into an elevator alone with a strange man. You say that the average man would not just approach a woman in a blatantly sexual way without getting some sort of cue that he would not be rejected, but I have to hope that sexual predators aren't the average man. The fact that they are in the minority, however, does not mean they do not exist. Also, in the case you described above, one has to assume that alcohol played a significant role in the interaction. Not everyone is an elegant drunk, and alcohol may have led the assaulter to believe that his victim was giving off cues that did not really exist. It may also just have lowered his inhibitions so that he was able to just act however he wanted and try to get his penis under her skirt in a public setting. My personal experience with sexual assault has been that many men have a fantasy that , for some reason, they seem to believe a woman is obligated to fill. For some reason, there appears to be bit of a headscarf fetish out there, with a heavy leaning towards images of women in scarves giving men blow jobs, which I'm assuming led the metro employee to think that he could tell me he would be masturbating to the image of me fulfilling that role since evidentially that is all he knows of women in headscarves. I, however, do not feel that I in any way allowed that to happen. It's like some men who have an airline hostess fetish or a twin fetish to the extent that they seem to believe they need to engage in sexual activity with these individuals: sometimes people actually seem to confuse their fantasy with the reality in front of them. I think that's generally the case in situations of sexual assault. Other than the one time where there was a blatant attempt at rape with a deadly weapon, I've never felt like the men involved had any idea that I would be offended. Both the metro employee and the elevator breast assaulter seemed so excited to see me that it was more than a little disturbing. It totally didnt seem to register to them that I was an actual person beyond some sort of extension for their really, really strange fetish. I think it is much more likely that the attacker in the story above wanted to believe that his fantasy of a cute girl liking him and wanting to get with him right away in the bar was coming true after he'd had enough to drink that his judgment was slightly impaired than that the victim in question was in ANY way asking for it. I dont know if this means anything to you since I’ve only commented once, but below is the comment I left on that horrible blog post. I absolutely love your blog. Reading it makes me feel a lot less alone in some of the painful experiences I’ve had. I’m so sorry someone like you had to go through them, but you have no idea what it means to women like me that you share the experience, share the healing process and the pain that goes along with it, and make us feel like we’re normal, ok and not somehow being singled out as victims. I know people can be really hard on you sometimes, but for those of us who have been there, you have no idea what an honest, frank, well written blog like yours means to us. And seriously, anyone who tries to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong by being honest and trying to take the taboo out of sexual assault as well as sexual enjoyment can take their self righteous smarmyness and shove it up their condescending asses.
*************************************
The extent of victim blaming in your post is quite horrifying. You state that for a woman to experience sexual assault she must somehow be inviting it, but unless you have an extremely broad definition of how a woman can possibly invite assault and harassment, at least in my experience, this is most certainly not true. I wear an Islamic head scarf -as well as my wedding ring- and follow a dress code where I wear loose fitting clothing and show nothing other than my hands and face. I almost never go anywhere other than the library after 10pm and, as part of my religious commitment, I generally politely decline to shake hands with men when the situation arises. Despite the fact that I make it abundantly clear that I am in no way interested or asking for any sort of male sexual attention, I have still had experiences such as a male metro employee telling me that he bets it would look really hot to get a blow job from a woman in a scarf and that he intends to masturbate to the image of me fellating him later. While in Lebanon, I once had a soldier attempt to rape me at gun point because I was walking home with a male friend at 3am and he assumed that I must have been having a sexual relationship with my friend (who, incidentally, is gay). Yes, I was out late at night and this was before the wedding ring, but I was doing nothing at all illicit, was not drunk, and was not dressed in an even remotely provocative way. I have also had a complete stranger here in DC grab and twist my breast hard enough to leave bruises from 4 of his fingers all around the breast while in an elevator at 11am. Following the line of logic in your blog post, I almost feel as though you would like me to blame myself for getting into an elevator alone with a strange man.

You say that the average man would not just approach a woman in a blatantly sexual way without getting some sort of cue that he would not be rejected, but I have to hope that sexual predators aren’t the average man. The fact that they are in the minority, however, does not mean they do not exist. Also, in the case you described above, one has to assume that alcohol played a significant role in the interaction. Not everyone is an elegant drunk, and alcohol may have led the assaulter to believe that his victim was giving off cues that did not really exist. It may also just have lowered his inhibitions so that he was able to just act however he wanted and try to get his penis under her skirt in a public setting.

My personal experience with sexual assault has been that many men have a fantasy that , for some reason, they seem to believe a woman is obligated to fill. For some reason, there appears to be bit of a headscarf fetish out there, with a heavy leaning towards images of women in scarves giving men blow jobs, which I’m assuming led the metro employee to think that he could tell me he would be masturbating to the image of me fulfilling that role since evidentially that is all he knows of women in headscarves. I, however, do not feel that I in any way allowed that to happen. It’s like some men who have an airline hostess fetish or a twin fetish to the extent that they seem to believe they need to engage in sexual activity with these individuals: sometimes people actually seem to confuse their fantasy with the reality in front of them. I think that’s generally the case in situations of sexual assault. Other than the one time where there was a blatant attempt at rape with a deadly weapon, I’ve never felt like the men involved had any idea that I would be offended. Both the metro employee and the elevator breast assaulter seemed so excited to see me that it was more than a little disturbing. It totally didnt seem to register to them that I was an actual person beyond some sort of extension for their really, really strange fetish. I think it is much more likely that the attacker in the story above wanted to believe that his fantasy of a cute girl liking him and wanting to get with him right away in the bar was coming true after he’d had enough to drink that his judgment was slightly impaired than that the victim in question was in ANY way asking for it.

]]> By: The Act of Just Being in a Bar Means You Automatically Consent to Everything! http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/i-cant-even/comment-page-1/#comment-14271 The Act of Just Being in a Bar Means You Automatically Consent to Everything! Fri, 23 Jul 2010 23:41:56 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=3262#comment-14271 [...] What the fucking fuck? Every member of the jury just slut-shamed and victim-blamed this woman? Every one? Where the fuck is the implicit consent at all? Does the word “no” mean nothing? Does the lack of consent form mean nothing? Does the fact that she did not willingly show her breasts, but instead was assaulted mean nothing? Apparently, according to these jurors, that’s exactly what all that means: nothing. The fact that she was dancing on a bar meant that she clearly must have been willing to flash a GGW video camera and allow someone to pull her top off. Unfortunately, I know they’re not the only people that feel this way. [...] [...] What the fucking fuck? Every member of the jury just slut-shamed and victim-blamed this woman? Every one? Where the fuck is the implicit consent at all? Does the word “no” mean nothing? Does the lack of consent form mean nothing? Does the fact that she did not willingly show her breasts, but instead was assaulted mean nothing? Apparently, according to these jurors, that’s exactly what all that means: nothing. The fact that she was dancing on a bar meant that she clearly must have been willing to flash a GGW video camera and allow someone to pull her top off. Unfortunately, I know they’re not the only people that feel this way. [...]

]]> By: Jae http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/i-cant-even/comment-page-1/#comment-14242 Jae Fri, 23 Jul 2010 04:04:53 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=3262#comment-14242 I'm perplexed by all of the different opinions on this. How does someone unintentionally provoke someone else to whip their cock out? How badly can one misinterpret someones actions to the point where they think "hey this person wants me to whip it out." There's no sort of unintentional eye gesture or body language that screams this. I'm a huge flirt -- it's a personality trait, yet I've never been sexually assaulted in any way/shape/form. You'd think all sorts of guys would read me all kinds of wrong, yet they haven't.. Which is why I think it's unfair for people to say that you could have taken steps to prevent this from happening, i.e. the way you dressed or the way you presented yourself. Ignance, I tell ya. You didn't deserve this, nor that post that was written about you. No one does. I’m perplexed by all of the different opinions on this. How does someone unintentionally provoke someone else to whip their cock out? How badly can one misinterpret someones actions to the point where they think “hey this person wants me to whip it out.” There’s no sort of unintentional eye gesture or body language that screams this. I’m a huge flirt — it’s a personality trait, yet I’ve never been sexually assaulted in any way/shape/form. You’d think all sorts of guys would read me all kinds of wrong, yet they haven’t.. Which is why I think it’s unfair for people to say that you could have taken steps to prevent this from happening, i.e. the way you dressed or the way you presented yourself. Ignance, I tell ya. You didn’t deserve this, nor that post that was written about you. No one does.

]]> By: nitebyrd http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/i-cant-even/comment-page-1/#comment-13918 nitebyrd Tue, 13 Jul 2010 17:58:47 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=3262#comment-13918 I came here via ASM, I'll need to read all the posts but no one ever asks to be assualted, ever! I came here via ASM, I’ll need to read all the posts but no one ever asks to be assualted, ever!

]]> By: Resident Ranter http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/i-cant-even/comment-page-1/#comment-13878 Resident Ranter Mon, 12 Jul 2010 11:44:05 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=3262#comment-13878 You know what's sad about her blog? Is that she tried to come across as intelligent and smart, that she tried to draw from her own experience and apply it to yours. This girl's lack of confidence and low self-esteem screamed out at me while I read what was wrote. People like this try to analyze others people lives and give plagiarized "treatment" in order to make themselves feel better and in a higher intelligence class than they are to feel better about their own pathetic life. And in trying to give her own opinion about what happened, basically put herself into the same class as the guy who assaulted you. Is it your fault that you feel confident to wear something that makes you look good? No. Is it your fault that you decided to go out and enjoy yourself? No. Is it your fault that this guy assumed that you wanted him to do what he did? Absolutely fucking NO. I am always one who enjoys friendly banter and intelligent discussion, it spices up things. However, picking apart what YOU did to make it seem like YOU were the one at fault is cowardly, pathetic, and pitiful. That girl who wrote what she did needs to deal with her own inadequacies before trying to sound intelligent. Stay strong, and if this situation ever happens again, don't EVER feel bad about trying to rip that guys balls off. Peace You know what’s sad about her blog? Is that she tried to come across as intelligent and smart, that she tried to draw from her own experience and apply it to yours. This girl’s lack of confidence and low self-esteem screamed out at me while I read what was wrote. People like this try to analyze others people lives and give plagiarized “treatment” in order to make themselves feel better and in a higher intelligence class than they are to feel better about their own pathetic life. And in trying to give her own opinion about what happened, basically put herself into the same class as the guy who assaulted you.
Is it your fault that you feel confident to wear something that makes you look good? No.
Is it your fault that you decided to go out and enjoy yourself? No.
Is it your fault that this guy assumed that you wanted him to do what he did? Absolutely fucking NO.

I am always one who enjoys friendly banter and intelligent discussion, it spices up things. However, picking apart what YOU did to make it seem like YOU were the one at fault is cowardly, pathetic, and pitiful. That girl who wrote what she did needs to deal with her own inadequacies before trying to sound intelligent.

Stay strong, and if this situation ever happens again, don’t EVER feel bad about trying to rip that guys balls off.

Peace

]]> By: Another Suburban Mom http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/i-cant-even/comment-page-1/#comment-13869 Another Suburban Mom Mon, 12 Jul 2010 02:26:36 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=3262#comment-13869 I read the post and it sickened me. You put yourself out there and shared something traumatic that happened to you and to have someone attack you like that must feel nearly as disgusting as the original assault. I have to admit when you first told the story I was so shocked that I was waiting for some kind of punchline. It is just beyond my comprehension that some one would try to penetrate another person at a crowded nightclub in the middle of everything. I only wish you had put those Steve Maddens to good use and given him a good kick in the man parts. I read the post and it sickened me. You put yourself out there and shared something traumatic that happened to you and to have someone attack you like that must feel nearly as disgusting as the original assault.

I have to admit when you first told the story I was so shocked that I was waiting for some kind of punchline. It is just beyond my comprehension that some one would try to penetrate another person at a crowded nightclub in the middle of everything.

I only wish you had put those Steve Maddens to good use and given him a good kick in the man parts.

]]> By: MoonshineSunlight http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/i-cant-even/comment-page-1/#comment-13852 MoonshineSunlight Sun, 11 Jul 2010 00:15:37 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=3262#comment-13852 Seriously, what the hell? I'm so so sorry Brit, this guy and the guy who tried to rape you are both misogynistic assholes who understand nothing of positivity and consent. Just know there are people who support you and care for you, I've been a long time reader and have looked up to you since i was 16, because of how frank and poignant you are. Keep your chin up girly. Seriously, what the hell?
I’m so so sorry Brit, this guy and the guy who tried to rape you
are both misogynistic assholes who understand nothing of positivity and consent.

Just know there are people who support you and care for you,
I’ve been a long time reader and have looked up to you since i was 16,
because of how frank and poignant you are. Keep your chin up girly.

]]> By: Red http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/i-cant-even/comment-page-1/#comment-13830 Red Sat, 10 Jul 2010 07:53:27 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=3262#comment-13830 Ohhhhhhhhh!!! I see his point...you should WALK AS IF YOU'RE SCARY now! Duh. It's just like being mugged as a guy. Now he makes sure he's NOT A TARGET! It's so simple. Why didn't I think of it?? It really boggles my mind when men try to 'relate' to the 'plight' of women. Unless you've been hate-crimed, or your friends have and unless the mere fact of your perceived gender puts you at risk of assault...YOU'RE NOT GOING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT'S LIKE! I'm 5'4" and 130lbs wet. I can walk as big and tall and *scary* as I like, but if a guy wants to rape me, he'll probably be able to...even if he's my size. Why?? Because men hold their body strength in their upper bodies which makes it super easy to over power a woman. But obviously, it would be my fault because I must have somehow given him the impression that he could do whatever he wanted whether I wanted him to or not. I must have winked at him, bent over in front of him to pick up my pen, flipped my hair, flirted, not flirted, wore a shirt that showed cleavage, didn't, bought him a drink, accepted a drink, trusted a friend, trusted a date, trusted a family member, went out with a stranger, went out with my friends, drank too much, didn't drink enough...ugh...I could go on forever. Brit said it best before (and so have many, many, MANY other people in the past): The only person responsible for the rape is the RAPIST, with no other lies the blame. Ohhhhhhhhh!!! I see his point…you should WALK AS IF YOU’RE SCARY now! Duh. It’s just like being mugged as a guy. Now he makes sure he’s NOT A TARGET! It’s so simple. Why didn’t I think of it?? It really boggles my mind when men try to ‘relate’ to the ‘plight’ of women. Unless you’ve been hate-crimed, or your friends have and unless the mere fact of your perceived gender puts you at risk of assault…YOU’RE NOT GOING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE! I’m 5’4″ and 130lbs wet. I can walk as big and tall and *scary* as I like, but if a guy wants to rape me, he’ll probably be able to…even if he’s my size. Why?? Because men hold their body strength in their upper bodies which makes it super easy to over power a woman.

But obviously, it would be my fault because I must have somehow given him the impression that he could do whatever he wanted whether I wanted him to or not. I must have winked at him, bent over in front of him to pick up my pen, flipped my hair, flirted, not flirted, wore a shirt that showed cleavage, didn’t, bought him a drink, accepted a drink, trusted a friend, trusted a date, trusted a family member, went out with a stranger, went out with my friends, drank too much, didn’t drink enough…ugh…I could go on forever.

Brit said it best before (and so have many, many, MANY other people in the past): The only person responsible for the rape is the RAPIST, with no other lies the blame.

]]> By: alphafemme http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/i-cant-even/comment-page-1/#comment-13827 alphafemme Sat, 10 Jul 2010 06:02:04 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=3262#comment-13827 I read that whole thing with my jaw literally on the ground. (Okay, not literally. But almost literally.) And it made me cry too. I can't imagine how you must feel right now. *This* is why it's so fucking hard to tell our fucking stories. Because then assholes come along and say "I'm not saying you deserved it or anything, but basically you were asking for it!" and it's crushing and infuriating and devastating and maddening. I am so so sorry. Please know how much support you have. I read that whole thing with my jaw literally on the ground. (Okay, not literally. But almost literally.) And it made me cry too. I can’t imagine how you must feel right now. *This* is why it’s so fucking hard to tell our fucking stories. Because then assholes come along and say “I’m not saying you deserved it or anything, but basically you were asking for it!” and it’s crushing and infuriating and devastating and maddening.

I am so so sorry. Please know how much support you have.

]]> By: french http://britisshameless.com/2010/07/i-cant-even/comment-page-1/#comment-13825 french Sat, 10 Jul 2010 05:11:45 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=3262#comment-13825 Also, I may have written a relevant entry on my blog today, thanks to the past week, your blog, and the bullshit other people have been spouting. Also, I may have written a relevant entry on my blog today, thanks to the past week, your blog, and the bullshit other people have been spouting.

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