I think it’s something to do with feeling cut off from the queer community or somehow not deserving to be accepted in the queer community (or sometimes actually not being accepted by parts of the queer community) because we don’t necessarily share the common experience of what it’s like to be discriminated against for being queer (or just the experience of what it’s like to be queer in general if a lot of our experiences overlap more with those of straight people). And a surprising number of people in the queer community don’t take us seriously as being legitimately queer, which I think directly ties into the feeling of guilt over seeming straight or not being “queer enough”.

Plus it just feels weird and kind of icky to constantly be treated like someone I’m not or have it assumed that I’m someone I’m not. I think for me, that’s even bigger than the privilege aspect, as important as that is. I want to be recognized for who I am, not for who people think I look like. Does that make sense?

I agree that it would feel a lot better not to feel guilty over something outside my control, but I think that’s just part of figuring out what my queer identity means to me. I’m still figuring out where I fit, and in the mean time I feel a lot of confusing and conflicting things. That’s why I think it’s important to talk about these things, especially since it’s obvious I’m not the only one grappling with these kinds of feelings about being queer.

That’s why I don’t get the part about privileges you don’t ‘deserve.’

In the same sense I could say that a black kid born into wealth doesn’t deserve what he gets because other black kids are born poor. In that same sense I could say that Pax (Angelina Jolie’s adopted kid) is undeserving because he was picked out of his country/group/family to live the high life. It doesn’t make sense. You are fundamentally you. You always will be. But privilege based on appearance isn’t much but talk, perception and assumption. Everyone looks like something or someone who does something. Be you regardless and don’t go out of your way to feel guilty because you look different than you act. What does a bi woman or man look like? A gay one? There’s no template so never act like there is or go out of your way to feel guilty. You’ll feel better later.

As for how I look being a choice, to a large extent, yes, it is. But at the same time, gender really *isn’t* much of a choice, and I’m not someone that has a more butch or masculine gender identity. I could choose to dress that way, but it’s not who I am and wouldn’t fit with how I feel about myself. Many more butch lesbians dress that way because it’s how they’re comfortable. Their gender identity isn’t feminine, even though they are female and happy to be so. So while they choose to dress the way they do, it’s moreso to match their gender identity and appearance. I’m not butch, so I don’t necessarily “choose” to be femme; it’s just who I am. Does that make sense?

I know this post is about heterosexual privilege, but I also think a lot of this stems from the general distrust (though I feel like that may be too harsh of a word) a lot of people have towards bisexual people. Staci summed it up what I’m getting at with, “Straight men assume I’ll fuck anything that moves but the butch dykes I lust after don’t trust me.”

I also think there is a quantitative expectation with bisexuals. It’s like you have to parcel up your feelings and experiences so other people can judge whether or not you’re “truly” bisexual. Does that make sense? Like every individual factor gets considered. (Do you have sex with the same sex? Have you dated someone of the same sex? Would you ever date someone of the same sex? Are you dating someone of the same sex right now? Is it because you prefer the opposite sex or is it just down to chance essentially?) It can get pretty annoying since I know what I feel on the inside.