I understand how people could think that online interactions wouldn’t have as much of an impact as physical ones. It’s the same line of thinking that goes along with online relationships not being taken seriously and such. People like to think of the internet as less ‘real’. But it is very real. So real that online harassment has caused people to hurt or even kill themselves. I don’t think it’s fair at all to suggest that sexual harassment online can’t be equated to the kind that’s done in person. Harassment is harassment is harassment. It’s all damaging and uncalled for, no matter what forum.

Excellent post.

But then I started to wonder why I felt that way. Is it because I genuinely believe that sexual harassment is somehow less traumatizing than rape? No I don’t and I DO believe that sexual harassment is a form of sexual assault. So do I believe that sexual assault is more acceptable than rape? No of course not. So what was it? I consider emotional abuse as bad as physical abuse so why is it my instinct to disagree with what you said? Well, considering the fact we’re bombarded with messages that women secretly love being harassed and that women are the gate keepers of sex, I’m gonna go with rape culture on this one. How many times has the rape of a child been reduced to the term “sexual assault” or sexual harassment been considered part of the working woman’s experience? While I do think being gang-raped is worse than online sexual harassment, this isn’t an all or nothing tally board where only the worst offenses are counted as truly considered being called rape. They are both wrong. And both reduce women to empty shells of people where the only thing that matters is their ability to be docile and please men.

Just another lesson that rape culture is as prevalent as we know it to be and even the best of us can not even notice it.

Every time I consider returning to blogging, I remind myself of all the dreck I used to get and I reconsider. (Oh, and the generally rude, inconsiderate and sometimes hateful comments and emails too. Sheesh.)

I can understand the erroneous-but-prevalent thought that the way to relate to a blogger talking about sex is with sex, but the come-ons and assumptions are just… strange. One gets pigeonholed by the reader–and they think that all you are is sex, and that you’re available because that’s what you write about. It’s insulting and tiresome, and it makes one incredibly wary.

As I have written on Twitter and my site, Internet dating for an older man such as myself is work. The problem I face as an older man is that I can write the most intelligent and thoughtful opening message I can come up with; I can weave my words to show that I have read and relate to her profile description; that I can show that I am a decent sort of man and that, yes, I am interested in knowing more and exploring the possibility of sexual discourse. But these thoughtful, well written messages go out into the cyberspace … and they are gone forever. No reply is almost without question the most likely result. None. Not a single acknowledgment that I have spent up to a half hour working on the message sent.

So I do wonder if the better approach is not the shotgun, as opposed to the highly targeted rifle I usually work with. The fact that so many women are barraged with senseless, crude invitations makes me think that the guys sending those messages must be getting something they want. I’m not sure what that may be, but we all hear (not saying I believe it) how women want the “bad boy” and not the ‘nice guy” for their sexual exploration.

That is not who I am however. I am a decent man who has a desire to expand his sexual experiences. I probably “give up” too easily. I hear a hint of a “no” and I am gone or at least pull back from the sexual banter. IRL this means that I tend to have a lot of woman friends and few lovers. Online, it means I seldom get to the DM’s on Twitter or to hot IM sessions. I have been there, but it is more often the exception rather than the rule.