Comments on: I Don’t Know Why… http://britisshameless.com/2010/04/i-dont-know-why/ I'm nothing but a brash and impetuous girl striving to be true to myself while searching for somewhere to belong, someone to love, and a better version of me. Thu, 18 Nov 2010 02:47:46 +0000 hourly 1 By: Essin' Em http://britisshameless.com/2010/04/i-dont-know-why/comment-page-1/#comment-11878 Essin' Em Tue, 13 Apr 2010 22:56:00 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=1956#comment-11878 I don't think anyone ever heals. While I panicked the one time my assault contacted me, I do check up on someone who hurt me on a much much deeper level back in the beginning of 2005. I haven't talked to Julius since then (http://essin-em.com/2008/06/music-and-emotion/), but every once in a while I dream or think of him, and the next day, I google him, check him out on myspace, just to see. And then I feel angry and stupid and hurt all over again. But that's how I roll. I don’t think anyone ever heals.

While I panicked the one time my assault contacted me, I do check up on someone who hurt me on a much much deeper level back in the beginning of 2005. I haven’t talked to Julius since then (http://essin-em.com/2008/06/music-and-emotion/), but every once in a while I dream or think of him, and the next day, I google him, check him out on myspace, just to see. And then I feel angry and stupid and hurt all over again.

But that’s how I roll.

]]> By: B. http://britisshameless.com/2010/04/i-dont-know-why/comment-page-1/#comment-11866 B. Tue, 13 Apr 2010 00:26:38 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=1956#comment-11866 Sometimes I check in on my abuser on Facebook, too (from a dupe account, since he's blocked from my main one). It's partly to see what city he's in and partly to see whether he's with anyone and if so whether it's anyone I know. He has been with the same woman for two years now. Knowing that makes me feel terrible, because either he's been hurting her and she can't get away and it's my fault he's not in jail because I didn't report anything, or he hasn't hurt her at all and they're happy in love and what was so wrong with me that made him rape me. I am aware that both of those are terrible lines of reasoning, and I shouldn't hold myself responsible for what someone else did, nor should I look at his Facebook profile and feel terrible about it... and yet. So I feel you. Also I think it's okay to <i>not</i> be on top of things some days, especially when you've been having an emotionally taxing time anyway. Please be kind to yourself today! Sometimes I check in on my abuser on Facebook, too (from a dupe account, since he’s blocked from my main one). It’s partly to see what city he’s in and partly to see whether he’s with anyone and if so whether it’s anyone I know. He has been with the same woman for two years now. Knowing that makes me feel terrible, because either he’s been hurting her and she can’t get away and it’s my fault he’s not in jail because I didn’t report anything, or he hasn’t hurt her at all and they’re happy in love and what was so wrong with me that made him rape me.

I am aware that both of those are terrible lines of reasoning, and I shouldn’t hold myself responsible for what someone else did, nor should I look at his Facebook profile and feel terrible about it… and yet.

So I feel you. Also I think it’s okay to not be on top of things some days, especially when you’ve been having an emotionally taxing time anyway. Please be kind to yourself today!

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