I’m in a committed relationship with a het guy who has a pretty strong sex drive, and when he first learned that I was asexual he said that, although he knew it was an ugly thing to say, he didn’t know if he could stick it out in a relationship if there wasn’t any sex involved. I immediately thought that if I had made the same ultimatum, it would have been much more unreasonable. Successive conversations made him realize what a shitty thing that was to say, and he later apologized and told me that if sex no longer became an option in our relationship, he’d still be determined to make our relationship work.

But while I don’t think of sex first when it comes to ways to express love and intimacy (I don’t think of it at all, really), that’s not to say I don’t derive pleasure from it through experiencing my boyfriend’s pleasure. There’s nothing onerous or unpleasant about sex with my boyfriend. It is simply something that is consistently foreign and unfamiliar to me, and kissing and cuddling before and after — and experiencing him in the throes of orgasm — make it fun and worthwhile in a way that isn’t altogether altruistic. I’m a “sex positive” asexual — many of us are, and don’t consider sex with our sexual significant others coercive rape.

Yes. You could. You can identify however you want, and however you see yourself. The label is not important, you're right, but to some people, finding one that they feel fits them is important. And sometimes that requires making one up.

But you are right on the money regarding perspective being more important than labels, when you look at the bigger picture.

Which kind of was my point, wasn't it? It must have gotten lost among my usual uncertainties.

Still, I would like to make one observation: If labeling is entirely up to the person who labels herself, then it seems that labels might not mean much anymore. If I were to label myself asexual, citing that this doesn't have anything to do with me wanting sex. Some people will object. And I think rightfully so. I couldn't just label myself homosexual or black or Christian without earning criticism on not fitting those labels. Can I just make up a label for me? Like Paleosexual? Does this mean anything to anyone? Can it mean anything to me? I don't know. More important than the labels is that we try to understand the people and their perspective.

ignorantarmies, if someone identifies as asexual, who are we to tell them that they're not? That would be like telling your girlfriend that she isn't bisexual (or pansexual or queer; I'm not exactly sure how she identifies). Or telling a trans person that they're not a man/woman.

Alana, a lot of these points are strung together, and I know they're connected but I'm still trying to coherently formulate how. Some of your points will be more relevant to the post I mentioned to Joanna above. What makes obligation/"gift sex," etc different when someone in the relationship is asexual is that this person does not want to have sex. And it's never something that they want.

When most people get married/together, sex is an expectation, and therefore, yes, compromises have to be made and sometimes one partner will have sex when maybe they don't want to. But if an asexual person is coerced into this, say by a partner who "doesn't believe" that they're *really* asexual, or by someone who thought they could deal with a sexless relationship but can't, or by someone that decides they're sick of waiting for this asexual person to "change their mind," that's a different thing altogether.

I know I'm not articulating what I want to say as well as I would like, but as I said, these are still things I'm throwing around in my head. But hopefully you can see where I'm trying to go with it.

I totally agree that this is a serious issue that needs more consideration but I think there is a lot of middle ground that needs to be worked out first because there are obligations in every relationship.

Whether or not someone should apply a certain label to themselves is open to debate. How much does it come down to how that person feels about him/herself? My girlfriend gets annoyed when I call myself unattractive or ugly. Should I or should I not label myself that? How much should her perceptions matter? How much those of others? How much mine? What kind of understanding of those labels do we have?
I cannot answer those questions, I can only say: "This is what they do, and I do not know why they shouldn't do so."

He never 'forced me' when it all started to go wrong but he just kept on trying. Night after night, he would continually paw at me, groping, poking. Sometimes I would wake up with his fingers inside me and sometimes I would push him away and at others I would just tacitly agree by saying and doing nothing. Just letting him because I didnt have the energy to keep making excuses. Rather than just telling him that I didn't find him sexually attractive any more.

Asexual is not something I've really thought about much. Was I asexual in the last years of my marriage when I didn't have sex with my Husband? Possibly for one or two because I didn't think about having sex with anyone. I was dead inside. But once those hormones became unbalanced because of the peri-Menopause, the testosterone kicked in and I definitely did want sex – just not with him.

I suppose the only real example we have in the UK is Stephen Fry. He thinks it's 'too messy' apparently and so chooses not to indulge… although that might be out of date info.

Are people really asexual? Or is it just that they havent found anyone who turns them on enough to want to 'get up close and personal and messy'?

Like Welcome to Chicago said, I think it's dangerous to assign labels because libido is so often driven by hormones and other external influences. Just dealing with kids and working fulltime can make you too knackered to want sex now but it doesnt mean that you never want it again.

I read recently about a gene relating to sexual preference that switches itself on and off regularly through the life of certain individuals which could explain why some people are bi-sexual. I will try to find the research.