Comments on: Aftercare, Part III: The Exceptions http://britisshameless.com/2009/12/aftercare-part-iii-the-exceptions/ I'm nothing but a brash and impetuous girl striving to be true to myself while searching for somewhere to belong, someone to love, and a better version of me. Sat, 11 Dec 2010 07:29:26 +0000 hourly 1 By: piecesofjade http://britisshameless.com/2009/12/aftercare-part-iii-the-exceptions/comment-page-1/#comment-6471 piecesofjade Wed, 23 Dec 2009 15:37:49 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=1034#comment-6471 Yup yup...just what I was alluding to in my earlier comment. And I also concur with Dragonmage's comment, that even with the same Top, different scenes elicit different needs for aftercare, for both me and them. <br /><br />Going back to the FL poster's comments about the "trust" element in all this, I trust W to know what I need in the way of aftercare, b/c he has played with me enough to read me pretty well. He can tell if I am bouncing out of it with a grin and am ready to go socialize afterward, or if I need alonetime or a quiet, loving space with him to reconnect. But when we first started playing, he had to learn that about me, and that I sometimes need a lot of aftercare (as opposed to his previous playpartners), and that, for me, that reconnection time, that "finding our humanity" again and knowing we're okay, IS part of the entire scene for me (and now, as an extension, I think for him as well.)<br /><br />In addition, aftercare (for me) oftentimes doesn't happen only right after a scene, nor only with my Top. My SO also administers it if necessary, when I get home to him (and in fact this dynamic is an interesting part of what we do.) Also, especially after a particularly intense scene, I need connection with my Top in the days following, even if we can't be physically together. <br /><br />Again, excellent topic, and one I may revisit in my own blog. :-) <br /><br />Jade Yup yup…just what I was alluding to in my earlier comment. And I also concur with Dragonmage's comment, that even with the same Top, different scenes elicit different needs for aftercare, for both me and them.

Going back to the FL poster's comments about the "trust" element in all this, I trust W to know what I need in the way of aftercare, b/c he has played with me enough to read me pretty well. He can tell if I am bouncing out of it with a grin and am ready to go socialize afterward, or if I need alonetime or a quiet, loving space with him to reconnect. But when we first started playing, he had to learn that about me, and that I sometimes need a lot of aftercare (as opposed to his previous playpartners), and that, for me, that reconnection time, that "finding our humanity" again and knowing we're okay, IS part of the entire scene for me (and now, as an extension, I think for him as well.)

In addition, aftercare (for me) oftentimes doesn't happen only right after a scene, nor only with my Top. My SO also administers it if necessary, when I get home to him (and in fact this dynamic is an interesting part of what we do.) Also, especially after a particularly intense scene, I need connection with my Top in the days following, even if we can't be physically together.

Again, excellent topic, and one I may revisit in my own blog. :-)

Jade

]]> By: Welcome to Chicago, Jillinois http://britisshameless.com/2009/12/aftercare-part-iii-the-exceptions/comment-page-1/#comment-6450 Welcome to Chicago, Jillinois Mon, 21 Dec 2009 12:14:19 +0000 http://britisshameless.com/?p=1034#comment-6450 Thank you for posting this. <br /><br />The biggest worry I have when it comes to BDSM play, especially in 24/7 play/relationships, is that power dynamic and the similarities that they can share with abusive relationships (as you've described in your previous post). What makes me nervous when I hear about others involved or wanting to get involved in D/s play is that it's a game that should only be played by people who are very self-aware and emotionally healthy to begin with. Sure, not everyone is perfectly emotionally healthy, but when it comes down to it, be it in vanilla or kink relationships, we all are responsible for our own wellbeing. If we start depending on others to heal us, save us, make it better in the end, we're never going to be ok. <br /><br />BDSM is not for everyone, and that "headspace" that Britni talks about after a scene can have some really negative effects on people who aren't ok to begin with. There are steps you should take to explore it in a safe way (I talk about it more here: http://yourenotthebossofme-jsn.blogspot.com/2009/05/girls-guide-to-gangbanging.html ).<br /><br />Again, thank you for this post... the "First Step: Be Ok" part is often on my mind when I read your blog. Thank you for posting this.

The biggest worry I have when it comes to BDSM play, especially in 24/7 play/relationships, is that power dynamic and the similarities that they can share with abusive relationships (as you've described in your previous post). What makes me nervous when I hear about others involved or wanting to get involved in D/s play is that it's a game that should only be played by people who are very self-aware and emotionally healthy to begin with. Sure, not everyone is perfectly emotionally healthy, but when it comes down to it, be it in vanilla or kink relationships, we all are responsible for our own wellbeing. If we start depending on others to heal us, save us, make it better in the end, we're never going to be ok.

BDSM is not for everyone, and that "headspace" that Britni talks about after a scene can have some really negative effects on people who aren't ok to begin with. There are steps you should take to explore it in a safe way (I talk about it more here: http://yourenotthebossofme-jsn.blogspot.com/2009/05/girls-guide-to-gangbanging.html ).

Again, thank you for this post… the "First Step: Be Ok" part is often on my mind when I read your blog.

]]>