What's kind of horrifying is that this conversation is, in a way, similar to a rape situation. You keep saying one thing ("uh, it was rape and here's why") and the dude just keeps badgering on. Kind-of terrifying, actually.

but i can say that, statistically, one reason that same-sex rape is *SO* under-reported (officially) is because some victims report feeling like publicizing such an atrocity on themselves would take the queer rights movement a step backwards. female-perpetrated heterosexual rape often goes unreported because, sadly, we live in a world where sometimes it feels easier for a man to live with his atrocities privately and avoid the inevitable barrage of criticisms against his masculinity and the validity of his experiences (due to the legal definition of rape, at least in the united states, as an act a man commits on a woman).

you fought against being held down, said no, asked him to stop, and tried to get away, therefore it was your fault? there wasn't enough evidence to convict him, therefore it was your fault? he was acting uncharacteristically, therefore it was your fault? he had dated you previously and clearly thought he could have you whenever he wanted, therefore it was your fault? he was drunk, therefore it was your fault? y'know, he sounds like a real catch so let's continue defending him for a while. *rolls her eyes completely out of their sockets*

i'm sorry but this child sounds like a downright ass. an ignorant, unaware ASS. to be honest, with the mountains of excuses he's making for someone he doesn't even know, it almost sounds like he may have raped before. i would recommend staying as far the fuck away from his as possible.

i'm still coming to terms with sexual assault of my own and i don't quite know how to put my empathy into words. but i'm glad you're informed and intelligent enough to know you are not AT ALL to blame here.

Here's my take, though—and I'm a good deal older than you, so take this as advice from grandmom, if you like—the world is NOT a safe place. You and you alone are responsible for your safety. It is NO ONE ELSE's responsibility to keep you safe, and you must do what is necessary to ensure that.

This might include giving up some of the seriously harmful habits that you blog about—-heavy or binge drinking, casual sex (hey, I like it too, but I carry wherever I go), men who like to abuse you and who leave bruises on you……because, Britni, you are very very young to have abused yourself so badly.

You are a wonderful person, and I really hope you survive in better shape than I did.

And no what happened to you was NOT IN ANY WAY YOUR FAULT. For fuck's sake. I'm sorry you keep having to deal with this and with people being assholes to you about it.

I said no. He didn’t care. It was not consensual. Therefore it was rape. Period.

It’s easy to vilify your friend in this situation, but he’s jus the product of our society. It’s disheartening when you’re reminded of that. (Though I did see “real men don’t rape…no means no” billboards before. While I think the whole “real men” part is questionable, I think it’s a great idea.)

It was NOT your fault.

The fact that you were having consensual sex (agreed upon) and he then tried to shove it in your ass (not agreed upon) makes it a pretty aggressive, premeditated action on his part.

I think he was probably hepped up on bravado and the fantasy that women get hot for strong, aggressive men who 'take what they want' – but whichever way you look at it, he must be delusional or an idiot if he didn't realise what he was doing was wrong – even before he did it.

I do strongly agree with what 'Welcome to Chicago' wrote about avoiding dangerous situations – we all have to take responsibility when we put ourselves in unsafe circumstances – but in this instance, you'd dated before, understandably presumed that he had a basic, human sense of respect for you and couldn't realistically have expected him to do something like this.