I can relate to what you’re saying (I was raped and fantasize about rape) but there are a few key differences. For one, rape fantasies usually culminate in a way where the person is so overcome with lust and want and need that they become animalistic and just take it. As everyone knows, rape is about none of those things (at least not in large degrees). It’s about power.

I’ve had ten years to figure out how I feel about everything, but I know there’s nothing to be ashamed of. One of uglier sides of rape is the way it can make your body feel good while destroying your insides (big problem with boys who are sexually assaulted).

That said, you've got a terrific group of feminazi boner-killers behind you. We've got your back!

And something else that has been helpful for me, too, is that since I do work with battered women and sexual assault victims, I kind of knew what to expect with the healing process. I heard their stories and know the feelings they went through. While it's different for everyone, at least I had a little bit of an understanding.

And as for the distance thing, I would like to get out of here eventually anyway. But at least he is banned from the one place that I always had to see him, so the fear of running into him again is gone. It was really nice to know that my entire bar of regulars rallied around me to support me under those circumstances.

My mother has dealt with a few rape victims in her time (mostly when she used to work at Planned Parenthood). One thing she always told me is that a change of scenery is always for the best because it helps put some actual physical distance between you and what happened. I know it's not an option right now, financially, but I wanted to put it out there. Gabs also has a point in that, just maybe, a rape fantasy allows you to own an experience that would otherwise be traumatizing, humiliating and violating, not to mention amoral.

Remember we're always here to listen if you need it!

-PPP

If you're interested, there are a couple online support groups I've found to be helpful: pandys.org and aftersilence.org. Both provide a safe environment to get information, get support from other people who've been through similar things, or just talk about your experience. I haven't been to either of them for a number of months, but last I checked the members were very welcoming and non-judgmental.

I don't know if anyone has said this yet, but none of it was your fault. I get the impression you already know that, but I thought I'd say it anyway, just in case. Here's hoping things keep getting better.